It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

Screen shot 2015-04-09 at 7.12.34 PM

Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.


In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.

2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.

3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.

4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.


5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

6. Become best friends with above.

7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.

8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
Screen shot 2015-04-09 at 7.33.55 PM

9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.

10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.

11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.

12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.

13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).

14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.

15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
Screen shot 2015-04-09 at 7.47.07 PM

This will be a piece of cake.


Yes, Yes, Yes – YES. So Much YESSSSSSS.

Magic is fucking real, mothafuggers.

It sounds official: J.K. Rowling, the masterful mind behind Harry Potter, is bringing another magical story to the screen.


For all you Potterheads out there, Rowling released an awesome accompanying book for the Potterverse in 2001 titled, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. It’s author is Newt Scamander, but, really, it’s Rowling. Scamander is just another character now part of the Potterverse, which meeeeaaaaans…MORE MAGIC AND SHIT.

The timeline of this series will be 70-years before Harry’s time at Hogwarts, so neither a prequel or sequel – and that’s perfection.

Let’s take this time to celebrate, shall we?








::tear:: Always, Snape.

Even Filch is pretty stoked.


Oddly enough, that’s mild amusement for him. But even if it’s not, he can go fuck himself because I’m still upset with what he did in Game of Thrones.

Hermione nailed my reaction, but that’s because Hermione is the greatest witch of our time, and I love her.

So, yes, J.K. DO ALL OF THIS PLEASE. We want more, Pottermore.



A Very Special Harry Potter Hump Day.

Today is awesome, so don’t even worry about it.

Why, you say? Because July 31st is Harry Potter’s birthday, and also JK Rowling’s birthday – so there’s a double dose of magic in the air. CAN YOU FEEL IT?? Just say yes, and I’ll move on.

In light of today’s most magnificent events, let’s celebrate with some familiar faces, and then cry over the fact that we’ll never get any new Harry Potter anything ever again.












Your day will not be the same now. #harrypotter tumblrs are waiting for you…

Just go.