My Undying Love For Britney, Bitch.

I tried to fight it, like everyone else. I really did. But back in middle school when “Baby, One More Time” came out and the world fell in love with Britney Spears, I was right on board.

Then the infamous Rolling Stone magazine cover came out and people flipped their shit assuming she got implants.

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Fuck you, Moms of the world. Every woman knows when she lays down with a PUSH UP BRA ON her boobs hike up the valley and become two mountainous peaks. It’s a goddamn good feeling, too. Give us confidence.

And then “Sometimes” and “You Drive Me Crazy” came out where Brit rocked the shit out of MTV.

Still there were questions about her boobies. There wasn’t, however, speculation regarding the fact that she’s a GROWING WOMAN and boobs totally keep sizing up until females are 25 years old. I would know. I’m a bit of a late bloomer.

I felt for Britney, though, because everyone was trying to tear her down when all she wanted to do was dance and entertain. And good LAWD, did she entertain.

I grew up on dance and was immersed in the art-sport up until graduating college. I’ve got mad respect for anyone who knows what a pirouette is or can make choreography come to life, and even more so when people want to imitate it. That’s the highest form of flattering. Plus, those abs. Brit had (and still has after TWO children) amaaaaaaazing abs. Crunches became cool thanks to Brit-Brit.

People even called her the next Madonna, but for me, Britney was the next Janet, and I was fliggin’, flaggin’ psyched.

She reigns as the queen of the VMAs (even though MTV was a dick and never gave her the earlier awards she deserved). This performance?

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Just about turned me gay.

Again, everyone went fucking out of their minds over how provocative Brit was and blah blah blah. Nowadays? This is tame. Brit was just ahead of her time.

Soon after, Britney released the music video for “Slave 4 U” and successfully caused all straight men to completely jizz themselves. She also inspired many girls to try wearing their underwear over their pants. Ladies, leave it to the professional. Brit knows what she’s doing.

And then Justin broke up with her and I can’t tell you how devastated I was about this. I was far too big of a Justin + Britney fan than was healthy for a human being. I already had their babies names picked out and was eagerly awaiting their engagement.

According to Justin and his first solo album, Britney cheated on him. “Cry Me A River” alluded to this, along with Britney’s own “Everytime.”

But FUCK THAT, I don’t think so, the timing was all too well planned for JT’s first solo debut album and his interview with Diane Sawyer pissed me off. Why’d you have to be such a dick about it, man? I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU.

I still am, you’re pretty cool. Nice moves, great music. But I kinda hate you a little, I know it’s not your fault, it’s super petty. It is what it is. But I don’t even think you’d deny that you dabble in douchebaggery at times. Let’s call it even?

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And then 2007 happened and Britney taught us all a lesson in crazy. We all know what went down, I don’t want to talk about it. What is worth mentioning, however, is while Britney was off barefoot talking to herself in a corner, she released her album Blackout and it kicked so much mothafuckin’ ass. My ab muscles craved every single one of those songs, and Brit reintroduced herself as the dance music queen of pop.

“Radar”? “Piece of Me”? “Gimme More”? “Toy Soldier”? “Break the Ice”? “Freakshow”? Are you kidding me?! Play, repeat.

Unfortunately, Brit was so fucked up in her personal life, dealing with quite possibly the worst bout of post-partum depression the world has ever witnessed, that Blackout didn’t get the attention it deserved.

Britney went to rehab and had to give her kids up to her father and her nasty-faced, can’t keep his dick down, asshole of an ex-husband K-Fed. I swear, if there was ever a time a bus should be in the right place at the right time, it’d be on that guy’s fucking face. Five years ago.

But then Circus came out and Brit was looking reminiscent of her old self. The videos for “Womanizer” and “Circus” were fantastic and the album continued to keep me in decent shape. Attagirl, Brit.

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And with this album came her documentary “On The Record,” which pretty much solidified the fact that I absolutely, 100% love Britney Spears and just want to give the girl a hug. She has been through the ringer and my God, someone be good to her, please! She cried, I cried. She said,

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And I hugged my TV and said, “JUSTIN DID THIS TO YOU.” Not really, but maybe a little. Nonetheless, I just wanted Britney to feel good about herself again, and this is something I think every human being goes through in life. She went through an incredibly public breakup, many of them (including two divorces), and had no idea what to do with herself. She needed to be a mom, but she didn’t seem to really have one for herself.

For the first time, Britney seemed like a real life female, someone you want to invite over for a girls’ night because you know that’s exactly what she needs. And after watching “On The Record,” I finally got over my guilty pleasure of loving Britney and went total full disclosure. Yep, I dig Britney Spears, ya’ll. I don’t care who the fuck knows it.

With Femme Fatale, Britney proved she can still kick ass in the studio even if her life is slowly being rebuilt. I swear, the strength in that woman is bigger than any of us know.

So here I am, eagerly awaiting what’s next for Miss Britney Spears.¬†In the meantime, hey Brit, find good people and keep dancing. Seriously, take a number from Janet and kick off the¬†stilettos. Get in some comfy shoes so you can dance with confidence again. I know you fucked up your knee, and that’s why it makes no sense for you to dance in heels anymore. Also, strengthen your voice. You’ve got one, but Jive Records beat it out of you. Try to find it again.

And while I’m suggesting good ideas, you should find Bradley Cooper and show him your YouTube channel.

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I think you two would really hit it off – and this goes without knowing either of you personally, so this could be the real deal. He’s hot, you’re hot. He’s been through shit, you’ve definitely been through shit. I bet he’d be good to your kiddies, too. Plus, you guys would combine your superhuman abs to make the most incredible baby in the world – probably named Clark Kent. Or Thor.

In conclusion, Britney is a goddess and deserves all the happiness in the world.

Besides, no other artist will ever have a better tagline.

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It’s Official: Justin Timberlake Is The Love Child Of Bruno Mars & Ryan Seacrest.

Hey, JT.

Now, I’m only saying this out of love but, Bruno Mars called and wants his 2012 Grammy performance back.

Justin Timberlake is trying the doo-wop, throwback thing. You know, the thing Bruno Mars has been do for the past few years now. Which really only means that JT is trying really, really hard to extinguish the fact that he was a member of NSYNC.

Hey. IT HAPPENED. Don’t deny it, Justin. In fact, we love you even more for it. Take a lesson from your new BFF Beyonce and the way she adores her DC3 gal pals.

Anyway, I’m sure some people think he looks sexy and hot like this, but no. You’re trying too hard and now you look like Ryan Seacrest.

Even his bow tie is sad.

Look, at some point in Justin’s massively successful solo career, he’s going to have to accept the fact that he was in NSYNC and he should be damn proud of it. Embrace the history, JT. There’s no escaping it and people are going to want a reunion sooner or later. (This I Promise You, J. *winkface*)

DON’T BE A DICK, DUDE.

Also, I dig your music, and your comedic chops, and your “serious” acting side (HAHAHA). But do you, man. Because you’re pretty fucking good at it.

Mr. & Mrs. JT Want You To Know They’re Married, I Guess.

I’ll never understand the purpose of celebrities selling their wedding pictures or baby pictures to the press. It’s one thing if a photo gets leaked without their permission, but it’s another when a famous couple actually goes OUT OF THEIR WAY to send the press pictures of themselves. But Mr. & Mrs. JT took this attention whoring to a whole new, advanced level with the cover of People.

Just…why? Why is this even necessary? I am not your friend (but am not opposed to the opportunity) and wasn’t invited, nor could I afford it, so why the hell are these two using People Magazine as their Facebook wedding photo album? And why is the bride taking a backseat – SITTING DOWN – when all anyone wants to see out of a celebrity wedding is the muthafuckin’ dress?

I’m totally down for some non-traditional wedding photos, and love the idea of Justin jumping here, but why does Jessica think she’s in a different time, place, and photoshoot? Girl, your sweet ass bubblegum dress is about to be stomped on by the guy from Nsync. You can’t be happy about that.

PS: No member from Nsync was present at their wedding. But Justin doesn’t give a fuck, do ya?

 

PPS: Nice Britney inclusion, People. Is it sad I still hold out hope for Justin & Britney to reunite and live happily ever after?