The Final Countdown To The Return Of Arrested Development.

Dreams, they do come true.

After years of hoping and no touching, it’s finally been announced that Arrested Development is truly, really, honestly coming back on May 26th. Netflix, you goddamn magical techwhores, I’ve never been more proud to give you $7.99/month.

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IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL.

I’ve never loved the color orange as much as I do right this second. It’s fucking glorious, isn’t it? The tagline itself made me pee a little.

In case you aren’t grasping the full scope of my excitement over this best news ever, allow me to elaborate.

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Taylor Swift, Shut The Fack Up.

UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

If you don’t know by now, Taylor Swift was born without a good singing voice AND a sense of humor. This may come as a shock to you since her 2013 Grammy performance would prove otherwise, because why else would she be wearing ANY OF THAT while attempting to sing on key if she didn’t think it was absolutely hilarious?

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HAHAHAHA oh Tay – good one.

But according to her new interview in Vanity Fair that the entire world is now talking about, she didn’t take this dating joke too well at the Golden Globes that my two very good (pretend) friends Tina Fey and Amy Poehler told.

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Taylor’s reaction, as quoted in the VF interview:

You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’

TAYLOR. You dumbfuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean that. Well, I kind of did, but I feel like my (make believe) friends Tina and Amy wouldn’t be pleased by my language on a public site – especially one as HUMUNGOUS as my blog. We are women, we’ve got to stick together, right?

But you’re making it sooooooooooo hard to like you. You know your song “Trouble”? Yea. You are in it, deep. You should go “Back to December” and think about what you’ve said and done. Because you done FUCKED. UP.

Look, it’s just some words and an ill-used quote from some super famous, mega-feminist power woman (Hint: NOT Katie Couric) that I’m sure you don’t understand the real meaning behind it. Do you Google? You should. It’s fantastic and teaches you stuff.

My point to you comes in threefold:

1) Don’t go to an awards show and not expect to be made fun of. You’re a celebrity and you attended a venue made for TV and movie stars, so – firstly – just be glad you were there and nominated. Second, if you take something to heart that two comediennes crack at an awards show where they’re making fun of EVERYONE, then get the fuck out.

2) Don’t mess with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

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source: buzzfeed.com

amy poehler

source: buzzfeed.com

Just…don’t. But you already did, so get the fuck outta here. Also, introduce yourself to this fabulous little YouTube series created and hosted by my (fake) friend Amy called Smart Girls At The Party. You should join the party after you think about what you’ve done.

3) Take a fucking joke. You’re obviously super sensitive about what has been said about you and your many boyfriends. So much so, that you actually thought that Tina and Amy were insulting you with a great joke. Yet you have no problem writing songs over real life break ups and mimicking Harry Styles’s beautiful and orgasmic British accent while you perform your snobby song, “We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together”. HYPOCRITE. Get the fuck out.

Tay, look – I never outwardly root against anyone (except Angelina Jolie, naturally) and I’d rather not dislike you. You seem mistaken and young and stupid, especially after these recent remarks. But you have a lot of making up to do. Because now my amazing (not in real life) friends Tina and Amy are never going to forget your words and probably won’t take you out for lunch, ever.

It’s showbiz. If you can’t take a joke about yourself, then you’re done. There’s no way anyone can make it in the entertainment industry if you’re taking yourself sooooooooo seriously as an artist. Fuck that, you sing about high school shit and now you’re starting high school drama.

GET. OVER. YOURSELF.

And apologize to my (future) friends Tina and Amy. Immediately.

Side note: Anyone else want Tina and Amy to make a guest appearance on SNL to make fun of this interview? Kristen Wiig can come back as Taylor, Amy could be Katie Couric, and Tina could be Tina telling her joke again.

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Lorne Michaels, call me.

Shoe Pants Are A Real Thing.

Are you SOOOOOOOO lazy? Then shoe pants might be your next investment and you’re probably gonna die alone, too.

But if you’re a normal person who doesn’t mind putting on your shoes separate from pulling on your pants, then brace yourself. Because OH DEAR GOD.

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Boot-Pants

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Shoes + Pants = PANTS ATTACHED TO SHOES AS ONE THING.

Pants and socks are acceptable. Onesies are functional and practical, they even offer a little garage door for your bum. But THIS – go fuck yourself, fashion.

What I’d really like to see is any of these people go to a department store and try on some shoes. Oh wait, YOU CAN’T. Because you’re a fucking idiot and wore shoe pants.

How do you sit in shoe pants? There can’t be any give in the ass region. See how none of these people are fully sitting? They’re just on the edge of the seat – or in Heidi Klum’s case, waking up on a bench from a long night out and holding in her pee – because they physically cannot sit down, or else their ass will be on complete display for being a fucking idiot and wearing shoe pants.

Seriously, these are not functional. And how DARE you Converse! I trusted you, Chuck. Go home, you’re clearly drunk.

Everyone just go home and think about what the world has come to. Forget world peace, shoe pants needs the U.N.’s attention so we can all throw them in a giant pit and bomb the fuck out of them. Unless we’re all too lazy to put our pants and shoes on separately to walk out the door.

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