It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

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Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.

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In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.
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2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.
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3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.
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4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.

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5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
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6. Become best friends with above.
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7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.
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8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
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9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.
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10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.
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11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.
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12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.
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13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).
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14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.
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15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
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This will be a piece of cake.

Unnnghh…cake.

My 2014 Oscar Predictions: Either Way, the World Will Cry with Leo.

The nominees for the 86th Academy Awards were announced this morning by a very modern looking Thor.

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Oh, heyyyyyyy. I like your face, and what’s going on with it, and how it looks. Takeoffyourshirt.

Onto the real business, I’m about to give you the inside scoop about the main categories. And by inside scoop, I mean inside my head. This place is cah-raaaaazy.

Who will win, who should win, and how the win will go down. It’s all here, folks. OMG – my excitement!!! RAHHH!

Let’s begin.

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Who will win: 12 Years a Slave. It’s unfortunate I haven’t gotten around to seeing this movie yet, but I imagine it’s worth its weight in a golden statue.

Who should win: Gravity. This movie was one of the earlier releases listed, and it’s resonated with me long after my viewing. I saw this the day of my 10th backiversary (aka, 10 year mark since I had corrective back surgery from scoliosis), so it hit a sweet spot none of the others could/can. Right place, right time, right everything.

How the win will go down: Brad Pitt will introduce the movie with his African looking child, the Academy will be too prudish and ashamed of the numerous times they watched American Hustle, Her, and The Wolf of Wall Street just for the side boob, cooch shot, and ScarJo sexy talk. They’ll fear Alfonso Cuaron will say “syphilis” when he is actually telling George Clooney to “sit with us” because he opted for a more youthful table. A no-brainer mixture of great movie making and white guilt will propel the amazing Steve McQueen to the winners circle, especially since everyone still feels bad over Drive‘s snubs. McQueen’s glasses frames will become the new biggest trend in San Francisco.

 

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Who will win: Matthew McConaughey.

Who should win: Leo, of course. And I would freak. out.

How the win will go down: The world will hold its breath, waiting for the chance to hear Leo’s name finally called to accept an 8-inch naked man of gold. Cool Hand Matthew is called and everyone feels confused because McConaughey is excellent and has paved an incredible new path for himself, but…what about Leo? Salt is poured into the wound when everyone realizes Matthew was also in The Wolf of Wall Street, only appearing in scenes with Leo. The world begins to cry with Leo as he weep-texts Kate Winslet, “I should have never let go.”

Best alternate ending: Leo wins and the whole world cries with him. Either way this goes, the world will cry with Leo. I’M ROOTING FOR YOU, MAN.

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Who will win: Cate Blanchett. With Amy a close second.

Who should win: Sandra Bullock. This won’t happen, I’m just far too attached to this movie. Cate and Amy (we’re on first name basis, don’t you know?) are both spectacular in their roles, and I would love if either won. Especially Amy, who is a six-time nominee with no naked gold man to fondle at home.

How the win will go down: Gandalf is swept onto stage by Shadowfax and Legolas. The big G glides down from behind Legolas and approaches the microphone. He closes he eyes and lifts his staff in the air, wielding the knowledge of the winner into his mind as he proclaims, “CATE BLANCHETT.” Dressed in the hairs of angels, Cate drifts to the stage without a toe even touching the floor. She accepts the award looking into the camera, lips unmoving, but her voice loud and clear. Amy Adams mutters “precious,” and the world goes cloudy and still.

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Who will win: Jared Leto.

Who should win: Jared Leto. I haven’t seen the movie, but even I know this isn’t a contest. Too bad, I really liked you, Jonah Hill(‘s teeth).

How the win will go down: Jennifer Lawrence will present the award from the stairs, where she fell, even though she was entering from the back of the stage. She’s silly, these things happen. Since she’s just like you and me, she squeals out, “OMG Jared Leto!” and the ’90s teenager in all of us will die of heartache, internally screaming, “I WANT MY MTV!” Leto will then accept his award by piercing his eyes into our souls, and then his ponytail will grow upward and higher until it breaks through the roof. Leto will climb it, only to return 8 years later with another award winning performance.

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Who will win: Lupita Nyong’o. Because I doubt the Academy would award Jen two years in a row.

Who should win: Jennifer Lawrence. Never has crazy and manipulative looked so damn good.

How the win will go down: While Jennifer Lawrence breathes a clear sigh of relief, Lupita walks gloriously toward the stage and ascends the stairs without fail. During her acceptance speech, she uses words that are far to big and important for any average American to understand, because she’s a Yale grad, and then pushes her perfect shoulders back as a cape suddenly cascades down to the floor. She gracefully declines her signaled exit to stage left, and, instead, floats away over the audience and out of the theater. Seconds later, Twitter breaks from news that she saved a baby from a burning building, and looked fabulous doing it. All females shave their heads in pride and admiration.

Leonardo DiCaprio Might Be The Greatest Name in Showbiz.

The title is merely a fact I just made up, but it’s accurate. Take a minute to absorb that sentence.

Moving on. This past weekend was one for the books.

  • Patriots advanced to the AFC Championship game (Bostonian hubby is thrilled, as am I) after a not so stellar start to the season.
  • Niners advanced to the NFC Championship game as they continue to defy the odds on the road and test the pigmentation of my hair.
  • Since I tend to keep myself business when terrified over a game, our apartment has never been cleaner. This is a huge win.
  • Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, once again, were funny and fabulous hosting the Golden Globes. If only they had been featured more.
  • My best friend Miri (you know her as Jennifer Lawrence) won her second Golden Globe at the crusty age of 23.
  • AMY POEHLER WON BEST ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION COMEDY. Then a horse grew a unicorn horn and became a better living thing.
  • Leo DiCaprio won Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical, even though he’s not nominated for anything else in the upcoming awards week, raising his chances at an Oscar nod. This is good for the world.

So many warm and fuzzies!

Speaking of getting warm and fuzzy, let’s revisit one of last night’s best jokes.

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To which Leo basically responded like –

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Because not only was it a joke, it was a pretty spot-on fact. Bravo, all around.

What really matters here is this: Leo’s Oscar winning chances have improved! See above picture for reaction.

In related Globes news, Jim Carrey is still fucking hilarious.

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ZINNNNNNNGAH! Thanks for coming, Jim. Really looking forward to some more Harry & Lloyd.

In closing, Lupita Nyong’o might be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

NBC's "71st Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I should really wear more capes.

I Laughed Way Too Hard At This.

Leo just does it for me, you guys.

He could squint through my soul if I broke down my guard long enough to believe he would’ve survived the Titanic if James Cameron wasn’t such a fucking asshole.

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I become more and more easily amused with age. It’s awesome. You should get on board, if you’re not already farting and giggling in the bathtub with me.

In other news, the technology known as captcha (that test-looking thing that verifies you’re not a robot) has caught onto our human tendencies.

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Hey, if Wall-E taught us anything, it’s that technology will make us fat and boring. This little guy is really doing us all a favor.

Good lookin’ out, captcha.

I hate you.

10 Reasons Why I Need To Be Friends With Bradley Cooper.

I have had an epiphany.

Usually, all one needs to do is meet Kevin Bacon in order to know every celebrity on the planet. But there are a lot of celebrities in this world, many of whom I don’t exactly care to rub elbows with. So think of Kevin Bacon as the celebrity lottery guy and you have 10 famous folks in your head that you’d really, REALLY want to meet, but because he knows everyone you might get stuck with Angelina Jolie, and she’ll force you to bottle your blood and lick her Malaysian child before you’re able to shake her hand.

So in an effort to avoid the likes of Angelina Jolie, it’s recently come to my attention – after an unashamedly long time spent Googling celebrity names – that Bradley Cooper is my ticket to meeting all the famous people I’d want to split a lunch tab with (as long as lunch is at Subway).

Let me first start off by saying, it’s Bradley Cooper, so I’m pretty fucking excited about this prospect.

Second, do you think he’d let me call him Coop? Like in The OC? Maybe? Probably not.

Let’s kick this list off, shall we?

1. Ryan Gosling

I don’t know why I’m not between them right now.

2. Wet Hot American Summer cast

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All of them. I would know ALL OF THEM. Amy Poehler (which would lead to a best friendship with Rashida Jones and Tina Fey, of course), Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Molly Shannon – the list goes on! I’d be killing so many birds with one Coop.

3. These guys.

This picture happened and I don’t know why I’m not being held sideways by them. REDO.

4. Jennifer Aniston

They used to date (Whaaaaaaaaa?) but now they’re friends and I must be their third. My cheek would totally fit here, pressed on the other side of Coop’s face.

5. Ryan Gosling

That’s right. TWICE.

6. Jennifer Lawrence

If you have to ask, then you don’t know me at all and weren’t aware that I’m actively stalking her (on the internet) until we become best friends.

7. No Shirt Party with Leo DiCaprio

JESUS CHRIST. It’s pretty obvious in this picture that Leo is disappointed I’m not there.

8. Ben Affleck AND Emma Stone

Are you fucking kidding me? Bradley Cooper – CALL ME.

9. Robert Downey Jr.

LET ME IN TO YOUR CLUB.

10. Ryan Gosling

I understand they didn’t take this picture together but it doesn’t fucking matter. And yes, THRICE.

So it’s pretty clear that Bradley Cooper is the new Kevin Bacon of my life, and I hope we bump into each other on the outskirts of town and are like, “Oh hey, cool shoes!” and he’s like, “Aren’t you that magnificently gifted blogger?” And then we become friends and trade off hosting game nights with ALL OF THE ABOVE.

And everything will be stripping games. For the men. Because, feminism.

Imagine, For A Second, That You’re On The Receiving End Of This Text.

That’s Leo DiCaprio at the Golden Globes after-party. On his phone. Doing something.

For a fleeting second, I checked my phone. That was depressing, and not my finest moment.

Regardless, we all know he’s talking to his BFF/soulmate/lifelonglove Kate Winslet and rightfully bitching about his loss in the Best Supporting Actor category. Though he did get beat out by his co-star, the wonderful and deserving Christoph Waltz.

I’m sure Kate is giving him brilliant British words of wisdom that include such things as “piss,” “codswallop,” and “right fit about it.” These aren’t stereotypes. I read Harry Potter, ya know.

It’s alright, Leo. If you ever need to talk or anything, just PM this blog and I will make out with your face. Amiright ladies?

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

Say hi to Kate for me.

Also, how awesome were the Golden Globes last night? My two favorite moments from my two make-believe best friends who hosted the show can be summed up with these two gifs.

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

I think Tina reads my blog.

She doesn’t, but if she did – I WOULD DIE.