Ladies, ’90s Fashion Was Only Meant For One Person.

The reemergence of ’90s fashion really kinda bums me out.

By now, you should know very well how I feel about crop tops, but the fact that fashion hasn’t stopped there, and the whole high-waisted, bra-top phenomenon that made the ’90s so wonderfully psychotic is back in full force – who the fuck do I need to judo chop over this?

Remember 5-10 years ago, we all looked back at the ’90s and were like, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOMGGG SO AWFUL!!!! How did we suddenly black out on this very important fashion admission – that ’90s style was uncomfortable and embarrassing – that we’ve subjected society to the SAME. GOD. DAMN. MISTAKES?

I think Fashion – yep, I’m totally personifying it – is such a bastard, and she’s playing a joke on all of us.

Let’s take a look at some of the recent celebrity victims of this ’90s epidemic.

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“That high-waisted, poofy, scrunched up jeans mini skirt looks really great, Rihanna!” – Said no one ever. But I think I could ask her to hold my chapstick in the top of her waistband.

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God, STAHP.

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Katy, WHY? You’re wearing a real-life sports bra, dear. Just grab some spare materials, sew these pieces together, and that’s a funky, awesome dress.

Ladies, there is one – and ONLY one – woman on the face of this planet who can rock the ’90s look with no qualms, ifs, ands, or buts.

Kelly. mothafuckin. Kapowski.

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I rest my case.

Can You Tell The Difference Between Miley Cyrus And These Dogs?

I’m having some difficulty, guys. I can’t unsee any of this anymore.

As we are all unfortunate enough to know by now, Miley Cyrus can’t seem to keep her tongue inside her mouth for very long – her phase as a self-proclaimed punk rocker will hopefully be even shorter – and it dawned on me how much she resembled one of those funny looking dogs whose tongue just…hangs out there. All the time.

Their eyes also face outward, it’s hilarious.

Anyway, see if you can spot the difference between the two. I BET YOU CAN’T HAHAHA.

“Look at me, not her” tongue.

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“Facebook profile pic” tongue.

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“I’m SO punk rock” tongue.

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“Starting to feel trapped” tongue.

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“Does it look red back there? Because it’s feeling sore” tongue.

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“I’m gonna be different in this picture and tip my head sideways” tongue.

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“With shades” tongue.

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“Twerk all the time because it’s sexual and THAT’S WHO I AM NOW DAMMIT” tongue.

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“Too much peanut butter and now BLARGHAAAAHHHHHLAALHALHAHALHAAAAAHHH” tongue.

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We get it, Miley. You’re grown up, or whatever, and you like raiding Rihanna’s Goodwill bags.

Now stop and go take a shower, because you’re kinda gross and annoying now.

The Infamous Facebook Side Pose.

Ladies, get a grip.

Besides the hell on earth that is the duckface trend, the other pose that seems to be taking the Facebook and red carpet world by storm is the side pose.

Let me define this for you. The side pose is when a female specimen of the human brand insists on taking pictures where her body is facing, not the camera, but someone directly beside her and cranking her head around to smile and say “I’M NOT FAT.” The act of side posing is predominantly shared with the equally infamous hand-on-hip. This side pose is strategically chosen by women who divert your attention to their ass and rack rather than feeling comfortable enough with just…ya know, smiling or whatever.

In case you’re still uncertain of this epidemic or you haven’t ever been on Facebook, you loser, here are a few examples:

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Here, Miley Cyrus shows us just how present her butt is with a slight arc of her back. She wants you to know how much skinnier she is than these other bitches.

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These two random slutables have side posed so close to each other that their boobs aren’t even relevant anymore. It’s clearly all about the asses for them. And you’re in for a real treat, fellas, it seems they’re about to conduct a cooch-bump because THEY’RE ALMOST TOUCHING.

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OMG IT’S A HERD OF THEM. The girl in the middle doesn’t even know what to do – she’s trying to turn to the side, the left knee is clearly doing all the work, but the albino chick behind her is like noooooooooooo you don’t and she’s pulling her left shoulder back so she doesn’t feel too insecure about being the only one who wore a full sized Santa hat. Because in this group and in side posing, everything must be 3 sizes too small. I’m pretty sure one girl is only wearing a black piece of construction paper – I’m talking to you, green shoes.

Now that we’re all aware of the side pose epidemic, let’s all try to face a little more frontwards toward the camera. A healthy 45 degree angle is all that’s necessary, ladies. The full 90 is not fooling anyone.

What happened to the simple art of sucking it in? Bunch of fucking cheaters these days.

Let’s Play A Game! Are These Guys or Girls?

The duo is called Jedward. They’re identical twins from Ireland. Their names are John and Edward. They claim to be “brothers” but I’m no fool.

Jedward, please take the stand as though you’re auditioning to be Liza Minnelli’s court jesters.

Stumped yet?

The real answer is secret option neither. They are clones of Miley Cyrus, sent to Europe by the Mayans to begin destroying the world.

IT’S HAPPENING.