Posting Inside Jokes On Facebook: Who do I have to punch to make it stop?

I think I have the good folks at Apple to blame for the majority of inside jokes posted daily on Facebook. Whoever developed the idea of taking a screenshot of a private messaging conversation is a total dick and should be kicked swiftly in the esophagus.

LADIES. What is your deal? It’s always the girls who feel the need to post this shit. What exactly is the point of sharing an inside joke between friends from a private phone to a larger network of people? People you probably never think about except when 1) they’re talking about their dog or boyfriend or baby on your Facebook newsfeed, or 2) you feel incredibly happy and you want a bunch of old high school friends to validate your happiness. You know what I’m talking about, crap like this:

 

And the caption of this attention whoring usually goes something like, “OMG we’re so funny and in love and BFFs and no one else gets it! HA HA HAhaHAhAHA!!1!”

Dear CHRIST. Tina Fey, you feelin’ me on this?

Newsflash, insecure folks of Facebook! You don’t have to post conversations you’re having somewhere else in private to the Facebook world to prove that you have a decent, if totally desperate, social life. Wow – you have a friend?! And look! There’s a heart by the name so he must be super special and love her and now I’m jealous and wish I was her. That’s what you’re trying to do, right? Show everyone that you have it more awesome? Dats coo.

Well I’d like to turn the tables and attention whore through my blog so I can tell you to shut the fuck up. No one cares. Those three “likes” you got are full of pity. You can bet your look-at-us ass that if there was an “attention whoring” button on Facebook, you’d have gotten a record breaking number of clicks.

So the next time you have an embarrassingly ridiculous text conversation with your boyfriend, girlfriend, baby, or dog, just be content and happy with it being between you two. Private. No one fucking cares.

please stop

 

The Golden Globes Are Already So Good This Year; Beyonce Is The Superbowl Halftime Show; and The Best Gangnam Mash Up Ever.

We have three topics to get through today, so let’s kick this bitch off right quick.

 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Are Hosting The 70th Annual Golden Globes

Oh my God. OMG. OHMIGOD. Words cannot express how excited I am about this, so I’m just going to piss my pants and giggle like a stupid little schoolgirl with a bladder control problem.

HA! I totally have words – I have a blog, for fuck’s sake. How awesome is the best friendship of Tina and Amy? First off, according to the literary masterpiece of Bossypants, these two gal pals have known each other since their Chicago theater days. Before fame and fortune. Before SNL. They’re practically college best friends who’ve supported one another and worked together for decades. They got famous and hosted Weekend Update together. How great would it be to host Weekend Update with your BEST FRIEND? Oh wait, probably not as cool as starring in the hit movie Baby Mama with your BEST FRIEND. And now they get to host the motherfuckin’ Golden Globes together – AS BEST FRIENDS.

Amy, Tina – if you can hear me. Recruit me as your best friend. If you just give me a chance, I promise you’ll want to take vacations with me.

 

Beyonce Is Performing At The Superbowl

The internet once again wins at leaking very important information. Apparently, Beyonce will be our halftime entertainment at the Superbowl XLVII, but official word isn’t coming out until tomorrow. Or so the internet says.

I’m totally okay with Beyonce being the halftime entertainment, she’s a kickass live performer from what I’ve gotten out of watching TV and hearing my rich friends gloat about their concert experiences. I expect a lot of hair and giant fans blowing Bey’s hair. But she needs to stick to her upbeat songs, NO R&B BULLSHIT. This is fuckin’ football and people will be drinking beer – not wine, not Courvoisier. I also have a request for Bey:  Please bring out Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams for some Destiny’s Child mind-blowing, ’90s/’00s awesomeness. Performing “Survivor” with your best gal pals will empower my ovaries to punch everyone in the face. It’ll be a good time.

Also, Bey – I know you’re friends with Kanye but if you bring him with you, we’re all gonna be like:

image

 

Ghostbusters, Meet The Crazy Asian Influence of Gangnam Style

Jammin’ this all day.