10 Bar Signs To Get You Ready For St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m a huge fan of March 17th. See, I’m a freckle-faced pallid Irish white girl and St. Patrick’s Day is basically my time to shine. Literally…shine. I am PALE. It’s like I have two leg lamps attached to my hips. I don’t need a phone in the dark, I just roll up my sleeves and pants.

Thus, this time of the year makes me feel all warm and cozy because all the beautifully tanned and sun-kissed people of the world can kiss my white ass. Conan O’Brien’s of the world, rejoice! Because all Irish people are super white and slightly sick looking.

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GODDAMNIT.

Fuck you, Colin Farrell, and you’re ability to be Irish, tan, and smoking hot.

Okay, so Conan and I fulfill the Irish stereotype of being really white and possibly near death, but I’m proud of my freckles and my fair skin. If there is anything Hollywood has taught me, it’s that Aussie Nicole Kidman looks her best with bright red hair and no sun on her body. While I may not have the bright red hair, I have NO SUN ON MY BODY and I’m okay with that.

In honor of my people’s grand holiday coming up on Sunday (shout out to my good friend Megan, who’ll be celebrating her birthday on the 17th and turning 27 and getting SO old even though I’m a year older, but it’s just a technicality), I thought I’d get uber festive and share with you, my good readers (Hi Mom), some fantastic bar signs to get you good and excited for St. Patrick’s Day.

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Remember, it’s better to drink than drive, not drink then drive. Grammar, people.

 

Happy Galentine’s Day! The 5 Best Femaleships in Hollywood.

It’s the day before Valentine’s Day, which means today the female race is prepping either for depression or excitement. I’m sure no matter what the emotion is, we’ll all read about it on Facebook with accompanying pictures of flowers, candies, or single-lady wine.

So let’s hold off preparing for the onslaught of attention seekers and take some time to celebrate us ladies! I don’t give a shit if you have a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, booty call, nobody, or an animal lover (just don’t EVER tell me), today is about breasties before testies, ovaries before brovaries, uteruses before duderuses.

In light of the best day ever, I’m counting down the five greatest female friendships in Hollywoodland, according to yours truly. That’s me! (Because it’s the only opinion that matters on this blog.)

LET’S KICK IT.

5. Oprah Winfrey & Gayle King

image source: people.com

I mean, duh. They aren’t number one because these two ladies are such a mainstay over the past five billion years that it’s just not fair to the rest of the famous females to give them the top spot. But rest assured, there’s always a reserved space for Oprah and her King.

4. Tiffani Thiessen & Jennie Garth

image source: usmagazine.com

Can you believe Kelly Kapowski/Valerie Malone and Kelly Taylor are real life BFFs?? This is a match made in ’90s heaven! The Kellys may have been mortal enemies on 90210, but they’ve been gal pals since Kelly 1 started on set with Kelly 2. They just make me feel so old and wonderful, my childhood is just squealing with glee inside!

3. Nicole Kidman & Naomi Watts

image source: theworldofcelebrity.com

THESE TWO. They’re like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, but only in height. N-squared met and best-friended each other before becoming two of the most talented and refined actresses in the fucking world. My GAWD – can you imagine being a gigantic acting heavyweight with your BFF? I bet they play Barbies together using their award statues they’ve racked up between them.

2. Jennifer Aniston & Courtney Cox

image source: huffingtonpost.com

This best friendship is literally a dream come true. The fact that Rachel Green and Monica Geller are real life BFFs simply makes life better and unicorns exist. They both went through very public divorces/breakups and are still individually hugely successful. They’re just like, Ohh heyyyy, we’re hangin’ out in Cabo being massively talented old co-stars together and still humungous celebrities of television and movies. NO BIG DEAL. And you know what they say: friends who vacation together, stay together. Unless you’re Taylor Swift.

1. Amy Poehler & Tina Fey

image source: tressugar.com

LET’S BE A TRIPOD GODDAMMIT. Was it really much of a surprise I’d have them at the top spot? Knope. ‘Nuff said.

image source: tumblr.com