20 Lessons I Learned During My Bachelorette Party.

I went through the pre-wedding ritual this past weekend, and I’m still feeling old and tired from it. So, well done, Maid of Honor! I tip my veil off to ya.

I’m also feeling super sassy, because who wouldn’t after this fun ride?

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Now that my bachelorette weekend is finito, I thought I’d make a grand list of lessons that I believe come with the territory. For all you future brides out there, take notice.

Annnnnnd go.

1. Drink lots of water.

2. Scavenger hunts are so much fun, and people should do more of them in life.

3. When one of your girlfriend’s yells, “FUCK THE DODGERS” in a college town in the middle of California, you start thinking about your own eulogy.

4. Sidewalk guitarists do not know any Backstreet Boys songs, and this is incredibly sad. They may also not know a) “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and b) “Wrecking Ball.”

5. Any bar that shows The Nightmare Before Christmas on its TV is a bar in which you should have a few drinks.

6. It may take a few minutes for a guy to notice you when you’re picking your nose, but when one does – he won’t let you forget it 10 minutes later, no matter how wasted he is.

7. Richard Simmons gives the best piggy back rides. See above.

8. When a man answers the question, “Who runs the world?”, with “Illuminati,” he’ll get very upset if you relate to him with, “Ah, the Free Masons, yes. I watched National Treasure, so I would agree that Nic Cage does run the world.”

9. This same guy also hates it when you use a giant pink penis straw as a microphone while asking him questions.

10. No matter how many men you ask, none of them will ever “have a condom.” But a 45-year old woman will, with a few to spare, allowing you to finally complete your scavenger hunt checklist. Huzzah!

11. Blow job shots require a very large mouth, but the whipped cream is totally worth the 5 minutes it takes to figure that shit out.

12. Never underestimate the dancing abilities of an older man in a green button up shirt, because he may end up dipping you to the point where your dick-laden veil flies off.

13. When asking 5 men in a college town for their philosophy on marriage, don’t expect much. Now #10 makes a whole lot of sense.

14. Vanilla vodka + ginger ale = my new favorite drink.

15. When a young married woman and her guy friends buy your entire party a round of shots, you’ll probably find her later on and try to give her a $20 bill. (She refused it.)

16. At 28-years old, it’s exhausting staying out on a Saturday night until 1:30am.

17. Wine tasting is one of the greatest things on this planet, but jell-o shots might bite you in the ass the next morning.

18. Be proud of yourself if you run up to a guy assuming he’s Beetlejuice, only for him to give you a business card that simply reads, “What rhymes with hug me?” Also, answer with, “Rugby” and then walk away.

19. Nothing makes you happier than customized shirts – jeans and a tee is all you need.

20. Realizing you get to hang out with all these amazing ladies and even more friends and family at the wedding – PRICELESS.

So there you have it, all my weekend’s wisdom condensed to 20 simple lessons.

You’re welcome, future brides. I have probably just saved all your marriages.

Halloween Costumes That Are Way Better Than Being Slutty.

Today is October 1st, which marks the official start to Halloween month!

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Time to dust off Hocus Pocus and The Nightmare Before Christmas (I’m a pussy, so these are my owned Halloween movies), and begin contemplating the yearlong debate of WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BEEEE?

I’ve dabbled in my share of the scandalous costumes, but I was also a dancer for about 20 years, so I was used to tights, unitards, and skin-tight outfits. It was the nature of the stage, dear ones.

The truth is, those packaged up, slutty costumes are absolutely no fun at all. My two favorite Halloween costumes were DIY projects: one was my junior year of high school when I dressed up as Ace Ventura Pet Detective (talk about owning yourself in the most vulnerable stage of your life), and the second was two years ago working in Las Vegas when I dressed up as Lucille Ball. I’ve never been complimented so much for my costume as I was that night in Vegas. The real victory was seeing all the trampy girls in their Whoria Van Sluttercrotch costumes look at me like they hated themselves. Mission accomplished.

Here’s the bottom line, folks. Halloween is the most fun when you use your body as a canvas instead of as the main show. Get creative, get androgynous even. Just get dressed.

For some inspiration, here are 10 people who fucking know.

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BOOM. I just saved you from contracting syphilis and gonorrhea.