Oscar Sunday: Give It To Jennifer Lawrence, Goddammit.

I’m still smiling like an idiot from last night’s back-to-back episodes of Parks & Recreation, featuring the greatest television wedding of all time.

My emotions can best be summed up by this visual aid.

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So while I’m floating on this cloud of fucking SPLENDOR, I’d like to make a last ditch plea to the Academy Awards – since I’m sure they’re all avid readers of my little blog here.

Firstly, the Oscars are on Sunday.

Kristen-Wiig-Will-Ferrell-Golden-Globes

Secondly, give Jennifer Lawrence a golden naked man statue. In 2012, she was amazing in Silver Linings Playbook, she starred in The Hunger Games and kicked so much ass, and she managed to basically be the greatest human being on Earth (tied with Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Jennifer Aniston, and Emma Stone – naturally). Ryan Gosling remains in a world of his own. Unicorns aren’t human, after all. C’mon.

Right now, the Best Actress category seems like a three-way race between Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, and Emmanuelle Riva. So how do each stack up?

Jessica Chastain starred in Zero Dark Thirty, a movie that is sadly being thrown to the wayside by the Oscars. Chastain might be the only shot this movie has at some golden recognition, but I don’t think this ginger firecracker was the best thing about the movie. She proved her intelligence, but this story was never about her life as much as it was about her work, so the emotional depth of her character Maya was total shit. Jason Bourne had a fuller life when he couldn’t even remember it. Thus, the real star of the show is Kathryn Bigelow, who directed ZD30 and did a helluva job of it. The last act where the Navy Seals go on their mission was the epitome of shitting-your-pants excitement. No background score needed, just heavy breathing, whispers, and the worse anxiety of my fucking life. So if anyone should get some kudos from this film, it should be Bigelow. But the Oscars are awful and didn’t nominate her. Here’s hoping ZD30 scores an editing win or something. Pitiful.

Emmanuelle Riva starred in Amour, which I haven’t seen but I hear it’s suuuuuuper depressing. She one half of an old couple and they’re dying together so and it’s like the French version of The Notebook but with only the old people. I’m sure it will destroy all feeling of good in you. Riva just won the BAFTA (basically the British Oscars) for Best Actress, but that’s about it. Her only other heart string to pull is the fact that she’s incredibly old and will turn 86 on Oscar night. GODDAMN YOU RIVA. You make such a strong case. Amour will definitely win the Best Foreign Picture category, so perhaps voters will be settled enough with that. Regardless, I’m looking forward to seeing this movie at some point, but I’ll wait until I feel that maybe love isn’t real so it won’t tear me down and lose all hope in humanity.

Jennifer Lawrence. She won the Golden Globe for Best Comedy Actress and the SAG Award for Best Actress. I’m pretty sure she single-handedly brought Robert DeNiro out of his acting funk, and, for this, she must be rewarded. The girl knows how to act but not how to give acceptance speeches, which means hers are the best and I hope to GAWD that she wins the Oscar. She won’t even know what to do with herself, she’ll probably say the words “poop” and “rash” among an audience of Daniel Day Lewis. Perfection.

So, please, Oscar – give it up for my unofficial friend Miri. You know you want to, just imagine the possibilities.

j Law haute couture   J Law red carpet

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jennifer-lawrence-golden-girls-acceptance-speech-funny   j Law GG post

May the odds be ever in her favor.

You Know You’re A Movie Nerd When…

You plan in advance to dedicate your Friday night to watching Lincoln, the Steven Spielberg film chronicling the last four years of a longtime dead old president. You also use the word “chronicling” instead of just saying “that is about.”

You can have your Happy Hours, go have fun at your bars. In the meantime, my good friend Jess and I will be enjoying our wine before we head into the theater at least 30 minutes before showtime so we can pee without rushing and imprint our asses warmly into our seats as we excitedly wait for the second coming of Abe Lincoln to grace the big screen.

Isn’t it amazing that Spielberg was able to get Honest Abe to play himself? It’s as if the Lincoln Memorial suddenly came alive, shrunk itself down, colored itself in, and possessed the person of Daniel Day Lewis. Because that’s fucking Abraham Lincoln, goddammit. DDL’s name is simply attached so Hollywood can keep that shit quiet.

Eat your heart out, Hologram Tupac.

So while you’re out shooting pool or perusing barstools, I will be getting my Lincoln on. It’s Oscar season, folks!

But if you don’t give a shit about movies or Lincoln, here are some well placed marketing posters to tickle your fancy.

Well played, public marketing minions. Well played.