Ladies, ’90s Fashion Was Only Meant For One Person.

The reemergence of ’90s fashion really kinda bums me out.

By now, you should know very well how I feel about crop tops, but the fact that fashion hasn’t stopped there, and the whole high-waisted, bra-top phenomenon that made the ’90s so wonderfully psychotic is back in full force – who the fuck do I need to judo chop over this?

Remember 5-10 years ago, we all looked back at the ’90s and were like, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOMGGG SO AWFUL!!!! How did we suddenly black out on this very important fashion admission – that ’90s style was uncomfortable and embarrassing – that we’ve subjected society to the SAME. GOD. DAMN. MISTAKES?

I think Fashion – yep, I’m totally personifying it – is such a bastard, and she’s playing a joke on all of us.

Let’s take a look at some of the recent celebrity victims of this ’90s epidemic.

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“That high-waisted, poofy, scrunched up jeans mini skirt looks really great, Rihanna!” – Said no one ever. But I think I could ask her to hold my chapstick in the top of her waistband.

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God, STAHP.

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Katy, WHY? You’re wearing a real-life sports bra, dear. Just grab some spare materials, sew these pieces together, and that’s a funky, awesome dress.

Ladies, there is one – and ONLY one – woman on the face of this planet who can rock the ’90s look with no qualms, ifs, ands, or buts.

Kelly. mothafuckin. Kapowski.

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I rest my case.

If You Use “Chu” Instead Of “You” – I Will Cut Chu.

Unless you’re sneezing, because that’s all I hear when someone says “chu.”

But let me bring it back – bring it, bring it, bring it back.

As I’m driving toward public transit this morning, I start soulfully and accurately singing along to Rihanna’s “Stay.” It’s a beautiful song, if I do say so myself, and unfairly catchy. Then as the chorus comes around, I start really getting into it.

Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move.

Makes me feel like I can’t live without chu –

And then I heard it. I heard myself say it. I said “chu.” WHAT THE FUCK IS CHU??? Urban Dictionary, if you please.

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Look, Rudizzle said it, not me. Granted, it didn’t sound that weird coming from Rihanna, but that’s probably because I’m super Irish and, thus, super uber caucasian. I can’t do “chu,” you guys. It’s not in the cards for me.

It got me thinking why this pronunciation of the good ‘ol, nothing wrong with it at all word “you” has shifted to “chu.” Imagine if Adele’s cry-tastic ballad “Someone Like You” was Rihannafied.

Never mind I’ll find someone like chuuuuuuu-ooooooo

Fuck that.

Would it be so bad if Rihanna said “you” instead? Why – why “chu”? IT’S NOT CORRECT.

Imagine Whitney Houston’s brilliant rendition of “I Will Always Love You”. I haven’t even typed it out and you know it’s going to be fucking awful as shit.

And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Will always looooove CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Nope.

So I wonder what all the infatuation is around this spin on “you.” Is it not good enough for chu anymore, Rihanna? Or is the guy you keep singing about named Chu? Because then I will take it all back. Just for chu.

Really, I blame Steven Tyler for all of this. He let one goddamn “chu” slip out in “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” and I can’t. stop. hearing it. For years, in that bit just before the last chorus:

I just wanna be with you, right here with chu – just like this.

This is why Bruce Willis died, Steven. Bruce never dies in action films, he’s John fucking McClane. But Michael Bay blew him up because you fucked it up.

I’d really love for people to stop saying “chu.” It’s not real, and if Webster’s caves and puts this as a synonym for “you,” I’m going to kill Steven Tyler, Rihanna, shake Adele’s hand, and then off myself.

A world where people aren’t using pronouns properly is a world I don’t want to live in.

Claw Nails: How Do We Make This Trend Stop?

LADIES. No.

These are my top five questions for any self-respecting female sporting claw nails:

1. What the fuck?

2. Are you serious?

3. Why does your hand look like it came from the limb of an eagle?

4. Do you type with your elbows or your knuckles?

5. How many times a day do you stab yourself? (I hope thirteen.)

I think Rihanna and Lady Gaga are to blame for this atrocious trend (and, sad to say, Adele). Though I presume the two real trendsetters were:

The Wicked Witch of the West

And Lord Voldemort.

Just…make it stop. Take them off. TAKE THEM OFF.