It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

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Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.

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In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.
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2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.
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3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.
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4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.

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5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
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6. Become best friends with above.
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7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.
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8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
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9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.
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10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.
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11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.
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12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.
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13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).
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14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.
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15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
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This will be a piece of cake.

Unnnghh…cake.

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Anytime I Venture Into San Francisco On A Non-Work Day.

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PS: Parks & Recreation Season 6 starts September 26th. Treat yo self and catch up, or die a discontented soul.

 

The Best Of Movember.

Tomorrow is December, which means there will be loud buzzing sounds heard ’round the world tonight and tomorrow morning – such will be the noises of newly fresh-faced men and sinks clogged with hair. Or perhaps no shaving at all, if they’re going full Paul Bunyan and keeping their facial winter coats until Januhairy.

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But it’s true that most men will likely buzz that shit off, so let’s reminisce and laugh and be baffled for what this past month has represented (besides eating a crap ton of turkey in an attempt to say, “My bad, we cool?” to our Native American friends). In other words, Remember, remember the best of Movember.

What IS it?

And let’s not forget our celebrity ‘stache forefathers.

And my personal favorite:

Just Living Out My Dream Of Being Leslie Knope…

I present to you, a very Huddler Halloween!

A few of us got together and took on the spectacular personas of the Parks & Recreation cast. Basically it was a dream come true and now I’m craving waffles with a mountain of whipped cream.

First, the inspiration:

 

And now, the final result. I think Ron Swanson would even approve.

 

From the left: Ben Wyatt, April Ludgate, Ron Swanson, Andy Dwyer, Leslie Knope, Chris Traeger, Tom Haverford, Jean-Ralphio, and Ann Perkins.

 

Happy Halloween everyone!

This Kid Really Loves Bacon.

I found something delicious on Reddit this morning.

Someone posted their 6th grade students’ work because, well…that’s what people do on the internet these days. They share too much.

Anyway, I think this kid is going to go far in life.

 

 

He will also – for sure – have some heart problems, but bacon is really the way to go in terms of meats that’ll shut your life down – amiright? It’s just so damn good.

As for his grammar? He’s okay, and, for a 6th grader, he’s further along than most of the people whose Facebook/text messages I put on blast yesterday.

My advice for little Kevin Bacon here:  always be prepared.

A Week Devoted to the Great Return of NBC’s Parks & Recreation.

PARKS & RECREATION COMES BACK THIS THURSDAY AND I’M EXCITED ABOUT IT.

Okay so if you haven’t noticed from the number of previous posts I’ve written showering my unconditional love for the show Parks & Recreation, I kinda dig this program. It’s awesome and it returns to form this week so I’m dedicating my blog to a bunch of Park & Rec posts. If you haven’t caught up on this show yet or don’t know who Ron Swanson is, I feel super sorry for you – you must be incredibly unhappy and unfulfilled with yourself, in general. But don’t worry, there are ways to become joyful and prosperous again! Netflix, Hulu, and a bunch of illegal sites are eagerly awaiting your viewership. Do it. And stick it out through Season 2 because Season 1 is a whopping 6 episodes and thus automatically doesn’t ask for your judgement.

For today’s honorary clip, it comes from one of my favorite episodes of television of all time. From Season 3’s “The Fight,” after everyone enjoys some healthy Snake Juice cocktails.

 

Let’s take a closer look at the gloriousness that is Ron Swanson wasted.

Oh my God. I’m just….I’m so happy.