It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

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Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.

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In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.
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2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.
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3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.
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4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.

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5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
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6. Become best friends with above.
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7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.
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8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
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9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.
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10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.
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11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.
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12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.
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13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).
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14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.
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15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
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This will be a piece of cake.

Unnnghh…cake.

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Consider Me Fireproof.

NOPE.

Nope, nope, nope, nope.

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I will burn with that building if it means that goddamn nest goes down with me.

Enjoy your nightmares, everyone!

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PS: Hey, guys – there is a very sensitive topic that’s been reported and I haven’t had a chance to discuss it with you. Bring it in, this is serious shit.

RYAN GOSLING IS PROBABLY HAVING A BABY.

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Bored clapping Hermione

Now I have to rearrange my life plans.

My consolation with this equally exciting and depressing news is, if it’s a boy, in 18 years I officially have that father-son fantasy locked up.

I didn’t even know I wanted it. #optimism

Your Bible Needs This Viable Bookshelf Companion.

I think this would be an amazing Christmas or Hanukkah gift, especially coupled with a copy of The Lion King on blu-ray.

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I assume this is another Nicholas Sparks masterpiece. If so, please, dear GOD, let them cast Ryan Gosling as the lion. And then immediately tell me where I can audition as this “learning” title character.

I’m Seeing The Backstreet Boys This Sunday – Excuse Me While I Wet Myself.

Sunday not only marks the first NFL Sunday line-up of the season, it also happens to be the night I get to see the Backstreet Boys in concert. For the third time in my 28-years.

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Words cannot explain how fucking happy I am about this, because I’m going to go completely nuts. My inner teenager is going to wail. WAAAAAAIIIIILLLLL.

So I’m just going to take a few moments to go a little BSB crazy while blasting “The One” and preparing my “Larger Than Life” and “Everybody” dance moves.

Join me, won’t you?

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That last one made me grow a third ovary.

GAH.

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Hump Day Honesty, From Conan O’Brien.

This might be the most truthful statement on the internet, right now.

Conan is also the greatest human in the world, so it really makes sense.

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NOTE: let us remember that Ryan Gosling is not a human, but a manicorn born out of the Milky Way. So my evaluation that Conan is, indeed, the greatest human being, stands uncontested.

Happy Birthday Jennifer Lawrence, You Beautiful Baby Gazelle.

Today is an awesome day, because it marks the 23rd anniversary of my best friend’s birth.

I’m gonna make her some cake balls, because I know how much she loves cake balls. Tell ’em what you told me, Miri.

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You probably don’t understand, but that’s okay. We’re best friends, it’s what we do.

In honor of my BFF Miri‘s birthday, here’s a list of 23 things we enjoy doing together – or so I can imagine:

  1. Eating cake balls.
  2. Eating french fries.
  3. Being in our sweats.
  4. Side-braiding our hair (I’m the braider, Jen isn’t coordinated enough HAHAHA – she’s soooo silly!).
  5. Attempting our own makeup, only to draw funny faces on each other instead.
  6. Reenacting The Hunger Games as Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck set in Looney Tunes land.
  7. Eating an entire tub of ice cream without using a spoon, just tongues.
  8. Going into public restrooms and playing fart sounds.
  9. Watching all 8 Harry Potter films while eating Chinese food with wands instead of chopsticks.
  10. Counting all the freckles on my face, and connecting them with lines.
  11. Going to a pet store and playing with all the puppies, giving them names and voices.
  12. Trying on all the dresses in the nearest thrift store, each picking one for the other to buy.
  13. Wearing the dress from #12 while watching Mrs. Doubtfire.
  14. Friday dance parties set to Now That’s What I Call Music! 4 & 5.
  15. Role playing as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from SNL’s Weekend Update. We switch off being Tina and Amy, to be fair.
  16. Designing poodle haircuts in our spare time.
  17. Stalking celebrities at parties Jen invites me to – usually ends with us getting drunk, giggling, and running away from everyone.
  18. Inviting over my sister, Emma Stone, to prank call Ryan Gosling – because she has his number.
  19. Walking through West Hollywood, photobombing all paparazzi shots of Robert Downey, Jr.
  20. Playing with Jen’s Oscar, where she presents it to me for my role as Yorin Asshil in “The Rich Beggar.” I trip every goddamn time.
  21. Toilet-papering Josh Hutcherson’s house every Wednesday at 5:27 PM.
  22. Hanging out with Elizabeth Banks, offering plot ideas for Pitch Perfect 2.
  23. Pondering the meaning of life over a bag of chips while watching Friends and talking like we’re Hermione Granger.

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Don’t you dare apologize, Miri – it’s your birthday! Take as many shots as you want. I’ll be there to hold your hair back later, just don’t do any rum – remember last time? Hahahahahaha!!1!

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I know.

It’s Friday, So Let’s Look At A Real Life Manicorn.

The weekend is inching closer, but there’s something else I’d like to inch closer.

Like, this face to mine.

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It seems Ryan Gosling still translates as Ryan Gosling, even in Deutschland. That’s right, Ryan Gosling is a universal language, and a beautiful fucking man. An international manicorn of the universe.

Also, I didn’t realize it was possible to see the outlines of a man’s chiseled pectorals under two layers of clothes. Cool bleiben, indeed.

I need to be by myself now.

One Of The Plights Of Humankind.

I would classify myself as a decently intelligent human being. I have an above average awareness of common sense, while still maintaining an air of childish ignorance. Granted, I’m no where near the brilliant stratospheres of some people –

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but I ain’t mad in the morning when I look into the mirror.

All that being said, this is absolutely, 100% true to fact.

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Just…panic. For a good 15 seconds, am I right? Why aren’t all shower heads and controls built the same? STOP FUCKING AROUND, HOME DEPOT.

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But once you figure it out, your shoulders immediately pull back, and you’ll use whatever fucking shampoo, conditioner, or soap of your friend’s that you fucking want. Razors are free game if it’s only the armpits.

Or is that just me?

Because It’s My Birthday, Dammit.

Oh hey. Just another Tuesday.

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NOT.

So, it’s my birthday. I’m 28 and feelin’ great, it was totally worth the wait, but I still look like jailbait. And it’s just now dawning on me that I should’ve been a rap superstar.

In honor of turning 28 and, thus, being so much closer to the dirty thirty, I thought I’d borrow an idea from my good friend Vince, who made a list of all the things he’s learned for each year of his life (you should check out his blog, he’s a sassy bitch).

And so, here goes 28 things I’ve learned as I turn 28.

1. I prefer odd numbers.

2. Disney is both full of shit and the greatest thing in the world.

3. I do all my best thinking in the shower. Excluding the time I’m shaving my legs. Age doesn’t make the knees and ankles any easier.

4. I really love movies.

5. Rap music really does all sound the same.

6. Doing your own dishes feels oddly productive.

7. Sometimes, I really think I could be an actress. Amy, Tina – CALL ME.

8. Bangs (fringe, whatever) were the best thing I ever did to my unruly cowlicks.

9. If you travel to another country once, it’ll change your life.

10. Riches aren’t measured by the size of your wallet, but, sometimes, I wish my wallet was sooooo much bigger.

11. I can hardly stay up past midnight anymore.

12. I have a new appreciation of tights. Two words: LEG STUBBLE. See #3.

13. I will never stop loving Britney Spears.

14. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like punching people in the face. I usually settle with a passive aggressive elbow nudge, if anything.

15. I can’t walk and text at the same time.

16. I believe in magic (the kind from Harry Potter and what Sting was singing about).

17. I still yearn for ’90s and ’00s pop music. One Direction will suffice for now.

18. THE KARDASHIANS MUST BE STOPPED.

19. Friends can make any day better. Also, friends can make any day better.

20. Cardigans are legit, guys.

21. I’m now 10 years out of high school, and I still don’t miss it.

22. Wine is the new black. Did I type black? I meant everything.

23. Hangnails are my kryptonite.

24. I can basically style my hair any way I’d like, and that includes an afro. I SWEAR TO GOD.

25. I know Ryan Gosling is a human being, but unicorns started from horses. And Ryan Gosling.

26. Sometimes, I’ll think about how there’s no new Harry Potter books ever again, and I immediately feel sad.

27. My imagination is insaaaaaaane.

28. If you can’t make yourself laugh like an idiot, you’re doing it wrong.

I’ve got a good feeling about 28, and I’m going to celebrate the hell out of it with moderation and responsibility, goddammit.

STOP EYEING ME THIRTY.

Oh hey, cake.

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This Post Is Punderful.

Today I’m trying to get over my disappointment that Ryan Gosling wasn’t anointed as our new Pope. It’s fucking depressing. But I know the perfect way to get over it.

Today is Pi Day, which means – for me – eating pie. Real actual pie. None of this math bullshit.

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I encourage everyone to celebrate this magnificent day in the most scientific and mathematical way possible. By eating pie. Even the Prez is into it.

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But who wouldn’t? It’s PIE.

Anyway, to make myself feel better about this whole Ryan not being Pope fiasco (more like TRAGEDY), I’ve decided pie and puns will ease my pain.

Since I can’t physically eat pie on my blog, here are 7 puns to bandage our depression and try to be happy for the Argentinian Pope Francis I.

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God, I feel SO much better now. No longer feeling popeless.