18 Reasons Why Ryan Gosling Should Be The Next Pope.

This is really a no-brainer.

Ryan grew up in a Mormon household, but let’s just ignore that fact and move on. It’s obvious that he’s extremely well equipped for the job and would convert the entire female population of the world to not only attend church, but also instigate the most flourishing women-centric population to ever live in Vatican City. For God, of course.

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JESUS CHRIST.

Is there anything in the recent past that has proven how good God can be than the existence of Ryan Gosling? He’s turned atheists into believers. I can imagine someone who hadn’t really given religion much thought saw Ryan in The Notebook and was like, “Miracles are fucking REAL.” If anyone can turn water into wine, one loaf of bread into millions, and cold loins into burning ones, it’s Ryan Gosling.

Let’s go over 18 reasons why this man would make a perfect pope.

1. He’s so hot.

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2. He can work the hat.

ryan in pope hat

 

 

3. He looks amaaaaaazing in red.

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4. His resume already proves his experience as a leader.

Ryan-Gosling-Young-Hercules

 

 

5. He looks great on a chair.

ryan face chair

 

6. He can totally pull off pope slippers.

ryan in pope shoes

 

 

7. He loves his mom whose name is Donna. (Ma + Donna = MADONNA THE VIRGIN MARY WHAAAA?!)

 

ryan with his mom

 

8. He knows God forgives.

only god forgives

 

 

9. He’s good with babies and the pope gets thrown babies constantly.

ryan with baby

 

10. He’s non-violent and isn’t afraid to break up a fight in a tank top.

rayn stops fight

 

11. He loves pancake breakfasts.

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12. He knows how to keep a steady job.

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13. He can handle the rain. LET’S PUT HIM THERE.

ryan in rain

 

14. He could drive his own pope mobile.

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15. Ryan saves.

Ryan saves woman

 

 

16. He looks phenomenal on magazine covers.

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17. He can close one eye WHILE keeping the other one open.

ryan one eye

 

18. I don’t know what I was talking about anymore.

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I rest my case.

Ryan Godsling

Sometimes, The Internet Is Such A Dick.

As I was lurking around Reddit, I found the most amazing, perfect, horrible screenshot of something that one would never think exists in this world, but it does.

And only the Internet would fill us in on it.

Observe.

HWVHe

Firstly, I don’t blame anyone for having Anatidaephobia. Ducks can be total assholes, as are their snobby siblings known as geese, and feeding them bread gives me anxiety.

Unless I were on this boat.

Coolscan

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I have no idea what I was talking about.

RIGHT. Secondly, that Aflac ad is killing me. I see what you did there, Internet, you sly piece of shit.

Happy Single Awareness Day, Everyone.

It’s fucking Valentine’s Day.

game of thrones

Let me start off by saying I’m happily taken and have been so for three and half years, so this day is pretty Switzerland to me. I’m fairly neutral. Could take it or leave it in terms of flowers and cards and dinners and such. Chocolates, however, GIVE THEM TO MEEEE. I’m not going to say no to chocolates. Mike – CHOCOLATES.

But even having a good man by my side, there’s always so much anxiety around the whole Valentine’s Day thing. When growing up, V-Day is this really sweet, group show of love, where everyone brought Valentines to school in bulk and handed them out to their whole class. So by the end of the day you had racked up around 40 or so little pieces of forced love with shitty handwriting and your name spelled wrong. It was aahhhhhhhmazing.

Then you hit puberty and you’re like FUCK. It would mean more if this guy/girl gave me a Valentine, and if so then WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?1

Then you get your first boyfriend and you’re like YES. This is fucking awesome! I’m guaranteed flowers, a card, and chocolates!

And then you get broken up with and you’re like FUCK THIS SHIT. This is never what St. Valentine meant, Hallmark is such a dickface, and I’m gonna die alone.

But then you feel like you’ve conquered your independent single-hood, you’ve developed a real kinship with Beyonce’s music, and you’re more like I DON’T NEED A MAN, JUST A BOTTLE OF WINE. And suddenly your girlfriends are far more important to you than ever on V-Day so you start celebrating ovaries over brovaries while chugging said bottle of wine and watching “The Notebook”, only to later cry about how no one will ever – EVER – amount to the man that Ryan Gosling is. And you’re right.

Currently, you’re either in this boat or you’re in a relationship. And if you’re in the latter, you’re one of two people: 1) You expect a damn good Valentine’s Day and you’re going to make sure everyone on your social media networks know about it, good or bad, or 2) It’s a fun day to wear red and show a little extra love but you could really give two shits.

Now that the V-Day bases have been covered, most people are probably scrambling to find the perfect e-card to send to that someone (not so) special. Well look no further because I’ve got a fucking TREAT.

Here are 9 Valentine’s Day cards to send to the love(s) of your life. (You’re welcome, procrastinators.)

Batman

Best i can do

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Dwight

homeland nic cage ron swanson

And lastly, you didn’t think I could go through V-Day without him, right? Because Ryan Gosling.

ryan gosling

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

10 Reasons Why I Need To Be Friends With Bradley Cooper.

I have had an epiphany.

Usually, all one needs to do is meet Kevin Bacon in order to know every celebrity on the planet. But there are a lot of celebrities in this world, many of whom I don’t exactly care to rub elbows with. So think of Kevin Bacon as the celebrity lottery guy and you have 10 famous folks in your head that you’d really, REALLY want to meet, but because he knows everyone you might get stuck with Angelina Jolie, and she’ll force you to bottle your blood and lick her Malaysian child before you’re able to shake her hand.

So in an effort to avoid the likes of Angelina Jolie, it’s recently come to my attention – after an unashamedly long time spent Googling celebrity names – that Bradley Cooper is my ticket to meeting all the famous people I’d want to split a lunch tab with (as long as lunch is at Subway).

Let me first start off by saying, it’s Bradley Cooper, so I’m pretty fucking excited about this prospect.

Second, do you think he’d let me call him Coop? Like in The OC? Maybe? Probably not.

Let’s kick this list off, shall we?

1. Ryan Gosling

I don’t know why I’m not between them right now.

2. Wet Hot American Summer cast

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All of them. I would know ALL OF THEM. Amy Poehler (which would lead to a best friendship with Rashida Jones and Tina Fey, of course), Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Molly Shannon – the list goes on! I’d be killing so many birds with one Coop.

3. These guys.

This picture happened and I don’t know why I’m not being held sideways by them. REDO.

4. Jennifer Aniston

They used to date (Whaaaaaaaaa?) but now they’re friends and I must be their third. My cheek would totally fit here, pressed on the other side of Coop’s face.

5. Ryan Gosling

That’s right. TWICE.

6. Jennifer Lawrence

If you have to ask, then you don’t know me at all and weren’t aware that I’m actively stalking her (on the internet) until we become best friends.

7. No Shirt Party with Leo DiCaprio

JESUS CHRIST. It’s pretty obvious in this picture that Leo is disappointed I’m not there.

8. Ben Affleck AND Emma Stone

Are you fucking kidding me? Bradley Cooper – CALL ME.

9. Robert Downey Jr.

LET ME IN TO YOUR CLUB.

10. Ryan Gosling

I understand they didn’t take this picture together but it doesn’t fucking matter. And yes, THRICE.

So it’s pretty clear that Bradley Cooper is the new Kevin Bacon of my life, and I hope we bump into each other on the outskirts of town and are like, “Oh hey, cool shoes!” and he’s like, “Aren’t you that magnificently gifted blogger?” And then we become friends and trade off hosting game nights with ALL OF THE ABOVE.

And everything will be stripping games. For the men. Because, feminism.

The San Francisco 49ers Are Playing in the Super Bowl on Sunday & I Might Have a Heart Attack.

You GUYS.

Joy is exploding from me because it’s all really sinking in. The 49ers are in the Super Bowl, and they might win. I hope they win. IWOULDDIE.

But for now, I’m just going to take a moment to litter my blog with the ‘splosions of excitement that are trying to burst out of my every pore.

So a little of this.

And this.

To be fair, I’m not sure what emotions are being displayed here but it doesn’t fucking matter because Ryan Gosling is in a fucking tank top goddammit.

This, too.

This is weird and horrifying, but it’s literally a perfect animation of how I feel right now. Someone gets me out there.

However, if I’m being completely honest with myself, all of the above are totally false (except Ryan, who is always absurdly right) and THIS…this is how I truly feel.

I’m terrified.

But I’m excited.

I’M SO CONFUSED.

It’s a really, really great problem to have, though.

GO NINERS.

We Get It, Nicholas Sparks.

If you mixed up the titles with all the book covers, they would be no different. Oh, except for one.

THE NOTEBOOK. Because Ryan Gosling, muthafuckas.

Anyone else think they could totally do Sparks’ job? All you have to do is think of some sad situation that a guy has gone through, then introduce said guy to a wavy-haired girl who lives in the fucking boonies and make them fall in love after an accidental sequence of events, then BAM! One of them dies. Or not and they make out in the rain.

It’s really not that difficult. Us women are far too easy to please in the romantic department. Just look at the success of Twilight or 50 Shades. I think Mr. Sparks needs a writing challenge, and I’m here to give it to him.

Let’s see him write a story based off the following picture.

Do it.

News That Doesn’t Matter: What Will Kim and Kanye’s Baby Look Like?

It seems as though Kanye hasn’t just gotten into Kim’s closet and tore shit up. Apparently, he also got all up in her uterus and it’s growing some sort of spawn now.

Firstly, I’d like to offer my congratulations – I hope the baby comes out healthy and isn’t nearly as arrogant as its parents. But let’s be honest, that child is literally made of the two most annoying people in entertainment.

That being said, there are a few ways this could work out. Let’s go over some as if we care/know who these two lovebirds are!

1.  If it’s a girl and she gets Kim’s ginormous ass and Kanye’s musicality.

 

2.  If it’s a boy and gets Kim’s sexuality and Kanye’s douchebaggery.

 

3.  If it’s twins.

 

Well, crap.

Let’s hope Ryan Gosling makes 10 babies to offset the tough times ahead.

Ryan Godsling

12 Ways To Take Advantage Of Today’s Numerical Power of 12.

It’s 12/12/12 so that means it’s more possible to do whatever you want in life today than any other day. It’s a very different day, today. Very, very different.

Things to try today because they require numerical magic:

1. Sneeze with your eyes open.

2. Lick your elbow.

3. Ride a unicorn.

4. Take a graduate class at Hogwarts.

5. Use above class skills to rid the world of Twilight.

6. Find Britney Spears, give her a hug, and train her to dance again.

7. Learn how to fly by flapping your arms.

8. Have sex with Ryan Gosling.

9. Merge into traffic like you’re in a bumper car.

10. Punch Christina Aguilera in her left boob.

11. Cancel all the Kardashian shows from E!

12. Win the lottery. TELL NO ONE.

Life is short, isn’t that what they say? I think it’s average height, nearing tall. I also believe in this.

Happy 32nd Birthday, Ryan Gosling – Human Unicorn.

It’s a very important day.

Today we celebrate the birth of Ryan Gosling – the human unicorn. The perfect specimen. A one-of-a-kind golden gift that God is so proud of He’s probably popped open a bottle of champagne and is on glass three by now. Well done, big guy. WELL. DONE.

That’s a stupid fucking question.

In honor of this great day, which I’m sure will end up becoming an international holiday at some point, let’s take a look at some of Ryan’s most recent best moments:

Ryan in a white shirt.

Ryan in a magazine.

Ryan at the airport.

Resort Ryan.

Ryan at the airport again.

Ryan playing an instrument.

Ryan in a doorway.

Ryan on a chair.

Ryan in black and white.

Ryan proving that he can make a pajama top work on the red carpet.

Ryan rubbing his eye.

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Ryan as a pancake.

Ryan breaking up a fight.

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Ryan with his dog.

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Ryan being good with kids.

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