Oscar Sunday: Give It To Jennifer Lawrence, Goddammit.

I’m still smiling like an idiot from last night’s back-to-back episodes of Parks & Recreation, featuring the greatest television wedding of all time.

My emotions can best be summed up by this visual aid.

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So while I’m floating on this cloud of fucking SPLENDOR, I’d like to make a last ditch plea to the Academy Awards – since I’m sure they’re all avid readers of my little blog here.

Firstly, the Oscars are on Sunday.

Kristen-Wiig-Will-Ferrell-Golden-Globes

Secondly, give Jennifer Lawrence a golden naked man statue. In 2012, she was amazing in Silver Linings Playbook, she starred in The Hunger Games and kicked so much ass, and she managed to basically be the greatest human being on Earth (tied with Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Jennifer Aniston, and Emma Stone – naturally). Ryan Gosling remains in a world of his own. Unicorns aren’t human, after all. C’mon.

Right now, the Best Actress category seems like a three-way race between Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, and Emmanuelle Riva. So how do each stack up?

Jessica Chastain starred in Zero Dark Thirty, a movie that is sadly being thrown to the wayside by the Oscars. Chastain might be the only shot this movie has at some golden recognition, but I don’t think this ginger firecracker was the best thing about the movie. She proved her intelligence, but this story was never about her life as much as it was about her work, so the emotional depth of her character Maya was total shit. Jason Bourne had a fuller life when he couldn’t even remember it. Thus, the real star of the show is Kathryn Bigelow, who directed ZD30 and did a helluva job of it. The last act where the Navy Seals go on their mission was the epitome of shitting-your-pants excitement. No background score needed, just heavy breathing, whispers, and the worse anxiety of my fucking life. So if anyone should get some kudos from this film, it should be Bigelow. But the Oscars are awful and didn’t nominate her. Here’s hoping ZD30 scores an editing win or something. Pitiful.

Emmanuelle Riva starred in Amour, which I haven’t seen but I hear it’s suuuuuuper depressing. She one half of an old couple and they’re dying together so and it’s like the French version of The Notebook but with only the old people. I’m sure it will destroy all feeling of good in you. Riva just won the BAFTA (basically the British Oscars) for Best Actress, but that’s about it. Her only other heart string to pull is the fact that she’s incredibly old and will turn 86 on Oscar night. GODDAMN YOU RIVA. You make such a strong case. Amour will definitely win the Best Foreign Picture category, so perhaps voters will be settled enough with that. Regardless, I’m looking forward to seeing this movie at some point, but I’ll wait until I feel that maybe love isn’t real so it won’t tear me down and lose all hope in humanity.

Jennifer Lawrence. She won the Golden Globe for Best Comedy Actress and the SAG Award for Best Actress. I’m pretty sure she single-handedly brought Robert DeNiro out of his acting funk, and, for this, she must be rewarded. The girl knows how to act but not how to give acceptance speeches, which means hers are the best and I hope to GAWD that she wins the Oscar. She won’t even know what to do with herself, she’ll probably say the words “poop” and “rash” among an audience of Daniel Day Lewis. Perfection.

So, please, Oscar – give it up for my unofficial friend Miri. You know you want to, just imagine the possibilities.

j Law haute couture   J Law red carpet

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jennifer-lawrence-golden-girls-acceptance-speech-funny   j Law GG post

May the odds be ever in her favor.

A Love Letter to Jennifer Lawrence, My Hypothetical New Friend.

Oh hey, Jen. Jenny. Jennifer. J Law. Which do you prefer? Maybe just J? Or perhaps we could get totally random and I could call you Miriam, then Miri for short? It would be sooo silly and end up being this inside joke that only you and I get. I think you’d love that, because you’ve got a few screws loose, and I dig that about you.

It comes as no surprise that I’m still abnormally invested in gaining some kind of friendship with Jennifer Lawrence (and Emma Stone, but she will get her own blog post at some point. The three of us would be amazing together, never fight, only eat ice cream, and watch bad television). Back in September 2012, I wrote a blog about how invaluable Miss Lawrence is to all of us, especially since the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are flying off the life wagon.

Now with J Law riding the success of the magnificent gem that is Silver Linings Playbook and, thus, parading through shit-tons of interviews and acceptance speeches, it’s become even more evident how perfect we are for each other. It’s clear that a friendship between us would make both our lives so much greater, and peace would begin spreading through the world as unicorns, once again, feel safe to roam the earth. Fireworks, people. That’s what I’m saying.

I’m not exactly in the market for more friends, I’ve got a handful of amazing pals and a really great guy, so I’m pretty well stacked. But sometimes there are people you’re struck by and you think, “Wow, I would totally risk a restraining order to become friends with that person.”

Jennifer, you’re totally that person for me – and by the grace of Google, if you find this blog post, I firmly believe you’d appreciate that restraining order bit. I mean, I’m kind of joking, but I just feel really sure that you’d like me, because if your voice is the combination of Fergie and Jesus (see above), then mine is the combo of will.i.am and God. So, basically, I sound like an autotuned Morgan Freeman.

First of all, we have a lot in common. For instance.

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Ditto, Miri. We can go to McDonald’s, buy ten orders of large french fries, and then try eating them with only our elbows. This would probably only last for about 15 seconds because, let’s face it, those french fries smell too fucking good and we’ll need all ten fingers.

Secondly, even though I’m about five years older than you, I believe the way you react in all your fancy shmancy awards show red carpets and wins is exactly the way I would. You don’t know what the hell you’re doing and you say amazingly weird things that only reinforces the fact – yes, FACT – that we’d be friends forever. I’d love to introduce you to my husband’s handsome single brother who’s around your age. We could be neighbors and have movie marathons and reread Harry Potter every year. So good.

See, you thanked MTV in your SAG acceptance speech last night (OMG CONGRATS! I definitely screamed for you because I thought Jessica Chastain had it all locked up. I desperately want you to win an Oscar now), and, once again, you shot a friendship arrow right through my fucking heart. Stop teasing me, Jenny. Let’s just have lunch already and begin our happily ever after.

Anyway, you’re pretty awesome and I’m rooting for you because, by doing so, I feel like I’m rooting for a friend. I actually mean that seriously, because you seem legitimately great and I envy your stylists, makeup crew, and publicist for being able to hang out with you all the time.

So if you ever need a friend – let’s assume for the purpose of this post that you do – I’d be cool with dat.

Call me.

PS: I have two older brothers, too! WHAT ARE THE ODDS? (don’t answer that, I’m sure they’re high.)