Happy Single Awareness Day, Everyone.

It’s fucking Valentine’s Day.

game of thrones

Let me start off by saying I’m happily taken and have been so for three and half years, so this day is pretty Switzerland to me. I’m fairly neutral. Could take it or leave it in terms of flowers and cards and dinners and such. Chocolates, however, GIVE THEM TO MEEEE. I’m not going to say no to chocolates. Mike – CHOCOLATES.

But even having a good man by my side, there’s always so much anxiety around the whole Valentine’s Day thing. When growing up, V-Day is this really sweet, group show of love, where everyone brought Valentines to school in bulk and handed them out to their whole class. So by the end of the day you had racked up around 40 or so little pieces of forced love with shitty handwriting and your name spelled wrong. It was aahhhhhhhmazing.

Then you hit puberty and you’re like FUCK. It would mean more if this guy/girl gave me a Valentine, and if so then WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?1

Then you get your first boyfriend and you’re like YES. This is fucking awesome! I’m guaranteed flowers, a card, and chocolates!

And then you get broken up with and you’re like FUCK THIS SHIT. This is never what St. Valentine meant, Hallmark is such a dickface, and I’m gonna die alone.

But then you feel like you’ve conquered your independent single-hood, you’ve developed a real kinship with Beyonce’s music, and you’re more like I DON’T NEED A MAN, JUST A BOTTLE OF WINE. And suddenly your girlfriends are far more important to you than ever on V-Day so you start celebrating ovaries over brovaries while chugging said bottle of wine and watching “The Notebook”, only to later cry about how no one will ever – EVER – amount to the man that Ryan Gosling is. And you’re right.

Currently, you’re either in this boat or you’re in a relationship. And if you’re in the latter, you’re one of two people: 1) You expect a damn good Valentine’s Day and you’re going to make sure everyone on your social media networks know about it, good or bad, or 2) It’s a fun day to wear red and show a little extra love but you could really give two shits.

Now that the V-Day bases have been covered, most people are probably scrambling to find the perfect e-card to send to that someone (not so) special. Well look no further because I’ve got a fucking TREAT.

Here are 9 Valentine’s Day cards to send to the love(s) of your life. (You’re welcome, procrastinators.)


Best i can do

big-bang die_hard_5_trailer_valentines_day


homeland nic cage ron swanson

And lastly, you didn’t think I could go through V-Day without him, right? Because Ryan Gosling.

ryan gosling


Happy Valentine’s Day!