Why I Can’t Sleep Around.

I don’t know how people do it. There are plenty of friends I know that have no problem sleeping around, but I just can’t.

So I confess, I have a really hard time sleeping anywhere but in my own bed. Some folks seem to be able to fall asleep anywhere, at anytime, and I wish that were me. Instead, when I sleepover at a friend’s house or I’m crashing on a couch, no matter if it’s a bed, a floor, or a set of strategically placed cushions, I can’t seem to get a good nights sleep.



Usually I go in thinking, Alright FINE – I’m not going to sleep well tonight and that’s cool. I’ll catch up later, so fuck it. But then the time comes when everyone says, “I can’t believe what time it is!”, which means it’s well after midnight and our late-twenties asses have been up wayyyyy past our bedtimes. Suddenly, I realize how fucking exhausted I am and I’m thinking, My God it’s going to feel good to sleep! Then I remember where I am. I do a quick side-glance at the clock wondering if I could make it home at a decent hour. I’m not drunk, but I’m so tired, and that’s basically as good as drunk.

Kids, this is what happens when you start getting older. Tired becomes the new drunk.

At least it’s more comfortable sleeping at your friends’ houses when you get older, because there aren’t usually a bunch of people all trying to crash in the same place. Instead, you’ve known weeks ahead of time who’s sleeping over, and who’s sobering up for a drive home. Extra beds have been claimed, couches distributed, all is figured out. It’s really a beautiful thing. Because when you’re actually going to sleep after sobering up, the floor is fucked up place to be. You’ll take a short couch over the floor, any day.

Once the blankets and pillows have been handed out, and I’ve changed into my jammies (did I tell you I hate sleeping in day clothes? Denim is not made for the fetal position.), panic starts to set in. My internal dialogue goes as follows:

I hope I sleep tonight. I’d take 3 or 4 hours, that would be a gift.

No, stop being negative, it’s all mental. You got this.

Oh God, there goes my heart. It’s pounding. It’s fucking POUNDING.


Okay, deep breath in…deep breath out. Has my heart slowed?

How crazy is the heart? It’s beating all the time. It doesn’t really feel like it’s on the left side though, does it?

My left boob is definitely getting more bounce, but only slightly.


Ugh, I hate them. They fell asleep, no problem.

How did they DO that? And why on their back? This sucks.

Just pretend it’s a shower. Showers are the sound of unicorns galloping.

A snoring shower, that’s good. As long as the snores are in even intervals, I’ll be fine.

What the fuck is coming out of their throat? Swear to God, there’s an animal lodged in there.

Probably a lemur.

Oh…I feel my body relaxing. My body is ready, it wants to sleep.

Annnnnddddd there goes my heart pounding again.

What IS that?

Think of something other than sleep.

The beach, water, waves. Maybe a big grass field.

If I was in a big grass field or on a beach, I’d want to get a game of volleyball going.

Nope, not helping. How about just nothing. Think darkness.

These are the back of my eyelids.

Today has been a good day, I’m really lucky.


I’m almost there. It’s been a few hours, but my mind is ready to finally give.

I don’t even care about the snoring anymore. Fuck that.

I’m actually pretty comfortable anyway, so things –

It’s the best feeling in the world when you were so panicked about falling asleep and then you suddenly wake up. YES! I fell asleep! I only got a few hours, but thank GOD. It’s like finding a few dollars in your pocket. You could’ve used a 5, 10, or 20, but money is money, and you’re going to treat yourself to a pack of Junior Mints later.

In conclusion, if you’re someone blessed with the ability to sleep anywhere – fuck you. And I mean that in the most envious way possible. While you snore away the day’s events, I’ll be counting sheep and naming the sheep and arranging their marriages so they make little baby sheep.