It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

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Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.

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In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.
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2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.
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3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.
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4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.

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5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
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6. Become best friends with above.
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7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.
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8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
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9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.
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10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.
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11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.
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12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.
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13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).
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14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.
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15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
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This will be a piece of cake.

Unnnghh…cake.

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Can You Find All Four Mallets In This Picture?

It’s been a whole year since I’ve posted, and I promise 2014 will be better than that crappy joke I just made.

I’m sure everyone is already deep in anxiety over their New Year Resolution, but – don’t worry – soon enough, it’ll be February and you’ll feel more like –

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Until then, give it your best shot, or whatever.

Onto more pressing and educational matters, let’s play a fun game! You know those picture riddle things where you have to find all the objects and circle them? Yes.

Quick, find all four mallets.

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Take your time.

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Okay, way too much time. Let’s see how you did.

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Two words: DICK. MOVE.

Please take another few seconds to admire this utterly fantastic pun.

So much symbolism in this one picture. A bunch of young boys with wooden sticks, drooling over an older, hot girl, ready to throw their balls at her.

Never mind, this isn’t symbolism, this is a just a typical dance at my old high school.

And Now, A Picture Of Badass Women.

Tina, Amy – make some room. I’m coming in.

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Also, please let me in your club. PLEASE.

Do I need to do something weird to Lorne Michaels? Because I will. Unless you didn’t, then I won’t.

But if you did…

Lori Beth Denberg Says You’re Making Her Uncomfortable.

Like all children of the 90’s, I watched and believed everything Nickelodeon told me. Of course, this was back when Nick was prime real estate and all their shows were great. There wasn’t any half hour where you’d be like, “Let’s see what else is on.” NO. Nick in the 90’s was pure gold and I’m pretty sure it’s decent into crappy television is why the world goes to war. But I digress.

All That was the SNL for 90’s kids. It was where current SNL member Kenan Thompson came from and where Amanda Bynes should’ve stayed, as a little girl who read me letters from her bedroom. So that sounds creepy now that I just thought about it, but it’s okay because I’m a girl and these inklings are allowed. Besides, “Ask Ashley” was awesome.

The other sweet, sweet part of All That was the glory of Lori Beth Denberg and her uncanny ability to give advice on the most serious of topics. Like so.

Indeed. INDEED. Also, love your Mr. Feeny shirt and vest combo. It’s very becoming and super authoritative. The 90’s were full of buttoned up layers and pit stains. It’s lovely that the style has come screaming back.

Onto another topic of relevance, New Year’s resolutions! I don’t have one, do you? Maybe mine will be to come up with a New Year’s resolution, but I’m not going to pressure myself too much. Perhaps in July it’ll come to me.

Most often, this time of the year people are pushing themselves to lose pounds and get in shape. You might be looking into gym memberships, or maybe you’re trying to actually USE your gym membership. Either way, there are other ways to lose that spare tire and feel good about yourself. Here’s one now!

All you need is some exercise and self-loathing! It’s the one-two punch to creating an awesome and better looking YOU.

Lastly, these fountains were made by the devil.

That’s all.