Ladies, ’90s Fashion Was Only Meant For One Person.

The reemergence of ’90s fashion really kinda bums me out.

By now, you should know very well how I feel about crop tops, but the fact that fashion hasn’t stopped there, and the whole high-waisted, bra-top phenomenon that made the ’90s so wonderfully psychotic is back in full force – who the fuck do I need to judo chop over this?

Remember 5-10 years ago, we all looked back at the ’90s and were like, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOMGGG SO AWFUL!!!!¬†How did we suddenly black out on this very important fashion admission – that ’90s style was uncomfortable and embarrassing – that we’ve subjected society to the SAME. GOD. DAMN. MISTAKES?

I think Fashion – yep, I’m totally personifying it – is such a bastard, and she’s playing a joke on all of us.

Let’s take a look at some of the recent celebrity victims of this ’90s epidemic.

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“That high-waisted, poofy, scrunched up jeans mini skirt looks really great, Rihanna!” – Said no one ever. But I think I could ask her to hold my chapstick in the top of her waistband.

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God, STAHP.

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Katy, WHY? You’re wearing a real-life sports bra, dear. Just grab some spare materials, sew these pieces together, and that’s a funky, awesome dress.

Ladies, there is one – and ONLY one – woman on the face of this planet who can rock the ’90s look with no qualms, ifs, ands, or buts.

Kelly. mothafuckin. Kapowski.

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I rest my case.

Go Home, Beyonce. You’re Drunk.

You really needed to do this?

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You, Miss Queen Bey, of all artists in the entertainment industry, never, EVER needed to wear sparkly nipples on an iceskating costume while working your divaness on stage. Leave this type of nonsense for Lady Gaga, Nicki Ninaj, or Michelle Kwan.

And don’t even get me started on the shitty anatomical nature of those nips. The right one is literally trying to drag itself off of that horrendous outfit.

C’mon, Mrs. Carter. You are far too classy for this piece of crap. I think you’ve let Sascha Fierce go too far. What would Beyonce think?

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Exactly.

I dare you to sing “Halo” or “Single Ladies” or “Who Run The World” in that silly fucking costume.

Nope. Not taking you seriously.

 

Stop Crop Tops.

Gandhi once said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” And really, what’s the point of having a blog if I’m not moving mountains five times a week? That’s why today, my post is dedicated to doing some good.

I hate crop tops. With the burning passion of a stripper with herpes. And “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is about to come on, so it’s showtime.

I want to know why the fashion gods are super fucking lazy right now and continue to cut shirts off before their prime. There are many decent shirt designs in this world, but for some godawful reason, people chose to just…stop. Midway, if we’re lucky.

Let’s go to Figure 1 for an example.

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I like that the model on the right is providing us with the mystery of whether or not she has an innie or an outtie belly button.

And now for Figure 2, the Celebrity example.

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Here, Katy Perry and Selena Gomez are teaching me how to make my sports bras more universal in my wardrobe. And, also, that my favorite color green has a truly awful shade in its palette.

And finally, Figure 3 – the Average Whore Girl example.

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JESUS CHRIST. Look, this shirt is only allowed in horror movies on some no-name actress who ran up into the attic after the killer slashed through the front door, accidentally (but totally on purpose) slicing her shirt perfectly into an ab revealing arc. In about five seconds, she dies – and you feel kinda good about it because she’s a fucking idiot.

Yes, girls. I CAN SEE YOUR STOMACH. Or at least part of it. What of it? I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t have a penis, so it’s probably not me you want to impress, but it seems you workout your rib cage, so good for you. You look stupid.

It’s because of fashion choices like the ones above where I wish we had random skank inspections, much like fire drills. A time when Joan Rivers might spontaneously show up to class, work, or maybe a movie theater and tell everyone to stand up because she’s going to start giving out skank slips. I imagine the girl in Figure 3 would get the highest of tickets, forcing her to choose either 1) going topless, because she’s already halfway there, so no big, or 2) wearing a pregnant belly the rest of the day, because it’s the only shape that that shirt is really cut for.

You just know when you see a girl wearing a crop top that she had been planning it for a long time, exercising super hard and eating barely a crumb. She wants to be camera ready, and she’s going to Facebook Side Pose the shit out of it when the time comes. It’s like bikini season, except they aren’t in extreme heat or near water, which makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

The change I’d like to make in this world? Normal length shirts. Keep the sports bras at the gym and the belly bearing for pools, beaches, and the Britney Spears YouTube page.

Personally, I’m leading by example and wearing a one piece dress today. Fucking rebel without a cause, right here.

PS: Can we just take a second to appreciate the fact that I blended Gandhi and crop tops in a single, flowing blog post? KABOOM.

Well Played, American Eagle.

Or so I pray to God, because this has to be a joke.

Recently, the PR folks at American Eagle put out a marketing ploy that gave the internet a heart attack. Everyone has come to the realization that this is some kind of April Fool’s joke, but go ahead and make that decision for yourself.

Introducing, the Skinny Skinny Jean.

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HAHAHAHA. Good one, AE. You’re fucking with us, right? Right? DEAR GOD RIGHT???

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Isn’t it sad that for a split second, we all think this could actually be a real thing? AE even has some marketing video for it where people are doing normal things while “wearing” the spray on jean.

I want to know how exactly they suggest people use the bathroom, the best practices for applying it “in there”, whether it’s safe for sensitive skin (if Neutrogena came out with a line, I’d trust it), and just what their shaving directions would be. Is it like Revlon’s ColorStay lipcolor and no amount of wiping will take that shit off? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Considering the fact that there’s so much hideous bullshit in the fashion world (I dare you to check out my posts on meggings and these sandal boots made by Satan himself), this Skinny Skinny spray on ploy is sadly not that far off. People literally want the skinniest jean out there and it makes me cry tears of anger and bloodthirsty venom. Women used to draw seams on the back of their legs to make it look like they were wearing pantyhose – remember? Let’s move forward, world, not backwards.

So I don’t know if I should shake the hands of AE’s marketing execs for making a mockery of the whole “people will buy anything – ANYTHING – to be seen as cool” or if I should punch them all square in the fucking RIGHT EYE for the most godawful fashion idea since metallic meggings.

Anything that makes the mullet look good should be fed to a hungry, angry, horny great white shark.

Shoe Pants Are A Real Thing.

Are you SOOOOOOOO lazy? Then shoe pants might be your next investment and you’re probably gonna die alone, too.

But if you’re a normal person who doesn’t mind putting on your shoes separate from pulling on your pants, then brace yourself. Because OH DEAR GOD.

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Shoes + Pants = PANTS ATTACHED TO SHOES AS ONE THING.

Pants and socks are acceptable. Onesies are functional and practical, they even offer a little garage door for your bum. But THIS – go fuck yourself, fashion.

What I’d really like to see is any of these people go to a department store and try on some shoes. Oh wait, YOU CAN’T. Because you’re a fucking idiot and wore shoe pants.

How do you sit in shoe pants? There can’t be any give in the ass region. See how none of these people are fully sitting? They’re just on the edge of the seat – or in Heidi Klum’s case, waking up on a bench from a long night out and holding in her pee – because they physically cannot sit down, or else their ass will be on complete display for being a fucking idiot and wearing shoe pants.

Seriously, these are not functional. And how DARE you Converse! I trusted you, Chuck. Go home, you’re clearly drunk.

Everyone just go home and think about what the world has come to. Forget world peace, shoe pants needs the U.N.’s attention so we can all throw them in a giant pit and bomb the fuck out of them. Unless we’re all too lazy to put our pants and shoes on separately to walk out the door.

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Happy Friday! Love, the 1980s.

Before heading off for the weekend, I thought I’d do everyone a service and leave you with this high quality picture, straight from the 80s.

(Full disclosure, I just audibly laughed typing “high quality” so close to “the 80s”.)

Hey! It’s the lost boy band of the 80s, Permesticles. They were a one hit wonder with the timelessly sensual rock ballad, “Free Ballin'”. You should totally look them up.

Regardless, no decade has ever rocked white and unnecessary amounts of pockets like the 80s did. I swear the guy on the far left literally pinned purses to his shirt, right after getting that sweet perm.

But let’s face it, those shorts are fucking amazing.