It’s the End of My Twenties And I Feel Fine

Today marks the start of my dirty thirties. I am 30 years old. Thirty. Three-zero. Fourth decade of life.

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Alright I went too far with that last one, because that’s some freaky shit right there.

What better time to revive my hilarious and not-award-winning blog? Exactly. Glad we’re on the same page again, readers. And by readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom.

It seems pretty standard for people to lose their shit when one of these milestone birthdays peer deep into their souls and cause them to stare in a mirror, crying about all the insane expectations we had when we were younger about where we’d be at 30. Hey, weren’t you supposed to be an astronaut and take a few spins around Mars like, five years ago? No? What a loser.

What I learned in my twenties was to scrap all your preconditioned ideas about what you’re supposed to be, where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed be, how you’re supposed to be, and why you’re supposed to be at a certain age. It’s just total bullshit to have those expectations because the best parts of life are the unexpected moments and people who rock your world without any formulated plans.

My boss, Ron Swanson, gave me the perfect gift to accompany this wisdom. Lagavulin 16 scotch whisky and a note that ended with OMNIA PARATUS: Ready for anything.

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In my now thirty years, I’d like to think one of my best qualities is being scrappy, an improv master, and all around make it work aficionado. Our teachers, parents, and coworkers will continuously tell us to ask as many questions as possible. No question is dumb, they said. I’m here to offer an amendment to this rule: take some time to think, let shit sink in, because you can probably answer the question yourself. Or just fucking Google it. Whatever means you choose, you are capable of being the answer, the solution, the method. Find your way, goddammit.

Here’s a list of 15 things I want to achieve this decade, no questions asked:

1. Visit my homeland, Ireland, and relish in all the pale glory.
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2. Watch more good television, and stop assuming Parks & Recreation is still going on.
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3. Start writing a best-selling novel that JK Rowling lauds as the best thing since Harry Potter.
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4. Start writing my biography that will become a feature film starring my celebrity twin, Emma Stone. Emma Watson will be my second choice, but only if she keeps the British accent.

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5. Work with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
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6. Become best friends with above.
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7. Be the “Freakshow” guest at Britney’s Piece of Me show and be whipped by a fucking goddess.
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8. Become best friends with above and begin concocting a plan to unite her and Justin in holy matrimony.
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9. Invent a flying car so we can do this future shit right already.
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10. Become an Avenger. I already have hardware in my back, Stan Lee. Come at me.
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11. Witness Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar.
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12. Be in the audience and watch my brothers HardNox perform on Saturday Night Live.
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13. Finally have that sleepover party with my BFF Miri (Jennifer Lawrence, for those out of the loop).
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14. Play Tina Fey in her lifetime movie about her beginnings and career. I’d be so good, you don’t even know.
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15. Experience 7 minutes in heaven with Ryan Gosling. My husband is fully supportive of this.
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This will be a piece of cake.

Unnnghh…cake.

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Leonardo DiCaprio Might Be The Greatest Name in Showbiz.

The title is merely a fact I just made up, but it’s accurate. Take a minute to absorb that sentence.

Moving on. This past weekend was one for the books.

  • Patriots advanced to the AFC Championship game (Bostonian hubby is thrilled, as am I) after a not so stellar start to the season.
  • Niners advanced to the NFC Championship game as they continue to defy the odds on the road and test the pigmentation of my hair.
  • Since I tend to keep myself business when terrified over a game, our apartment has never been cleaner. This is a huge win.
  • Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, once again, were funny and fabulous hosting the Golden Globes. If only they had been featured more.
  • My best friend Miri (you know her as Jennifer Lawrence) won her second Golden Globe at the crusty age of 23.
  • AMY POEHLER WON BEST ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION COMEDY. Then a horse grew a unicorn horn and became a better living thing.
  • Leo DiCaprio won Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical, even though he’s not nominated for anything else in the upcoming awards week, raising his chances at an Oscar nod. This is good for the world.

So many warm and fuzzies!

Speaking of getting warm and fuzzy, let’s revisit one of last night’s best jokes.

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To which Leo basically responded like –

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Because not only was it a joke, it was a pretty spot-on fact. Bravo, all around.

What really matters here is this: Leo’s Oscar winning chances have improved! See above picture for reaction.

In related Globes news, Jim Carrey is still fucking hilarious.

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ZINNNNNNNGAH! Thanks for coming, Jim. Really looking forward to some more Harry & Lloyd.

In closing, Lupita Nyong’o might be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

NBC's "71st Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I should really wear more capes.

Happy Birthday Jennifer Lawrence, You Beautiful Baby Gazelle.

Today is an awesome day, because it marks the 23rd anniversary of my best friend’s birth.

I’m gonna make her some cake balls, because I know how much she loves cake balls. Tell ’em what you told me, Miri.

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You probably don’t understand, but that’s okay. We’re best friends, it’s what we do.

In honor of my BFF Miri‘s birthday, here’s a list of 23 things we enjoy doing together – or so I can imagine:

  1. Eating cake balls.
  2. Eating french fries.
  3. Being in our sweats.
  4. Side-braiding our hair (I’m the braider, Jen isn’t coordinated enough HAHAHA – she’s soooo silly!).
  5. Attempting our own makeup, only to draw funny faces on each other instead.
  6. Reenacting The Hunger Games as Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck set in Looney Tunes land.
  7. Eating an entire tub of ice cream without using a spoon, just tongues.
  8. Going into public restrooms and playing fart sounds.
  9. Watching all 8 Harry Potter films while eating Chinese food with wands instead of chopsticks.
  10. Counting all the freckles on my face, and connecting them with lines.
  11. Going to a pet store and playing with all the puppies, giving them names and voices.
  12. Trying on all the dresses in the nearest thrift store, each picking one for the other to buy.
  13. Wearing the dress from #12 while watching Mrs. Doubtfire.
  14. Friday dance parties set to Now That’s What I Call Music! 4 & 5.
  15. Role playing as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from SNL’s Weekend Update. We switch off being Tina and Amy, to be fair.
  16. Designing poodle haircuts in our spare time.
  17. Stalking celebrities at parties Jen invites me to – usually ends with us getting drunk, giggling, and running away from everyone.
  18. Inviting over my sister, Emma Stone, to prank call Ryan Gosling – because she has his number.
  19. Walking through West Hollywood, photobombing all paparazzi shots of Robert Downey, Jr.
  20. Playing with Jen’s Oscar, where she presents it to me for my role as Yorin Asshil in “The Rich Beggar.” I trip every goddamn time.
  21. Toilet-papering Josh Hutcherson’s house every Wednesday at 5:27 PM.
  22. Hanging out with Elizabeth Banks, offering plot ideas for Pitch Perfect 2.
  23. Pondering the meaning of life over a bag of chips while watching Friends and talking like we’re Hermione Granger.

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Don’t you dare apologize, Miri – it’s your birthday! Take as many shots as you want. I’ll be there to hold your hair back later, just don’t do any rum – remember last time? Hahahahahaha!!1!

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I know.

How I Feel When Someone Asks Me If I Want To Do Anything Later.

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The only exception here is for any movie midnight showing, but that’s just a given.

And Now, A Picture Of Badass Women.

Tina, Amy – make some room. I’m coming in.

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Also, please let me in your club. PLEASE.

Do I need to do something weird to Lorne Michaels? Because I will. Unless you didn’t, then I won’t.

But if you did…

Taylor Swift, Shut The Fack Up.

UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

If you don’t know by now, Taylor Swift was born without a good singing voice AND a sense of humor. This may come as a shock to you since her 2013 Grammy performance would prove otherwise, because why else would she be wearing ANY OF THAT while attempting to sing on key if she didn’t think it was absolutely hilarious?

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HAHAHAHA oh Tay – good one.

But according to her new interview in Vanity Fair that the entire world is now talking about, she didn’t take this dating joke too well at the Golden Globes that my two very good (pretend) friends Tina Fey and Amy Poehler told.

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Taylor’s reaction, as quoted in the VF interview:

You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’

TAYLOR. You dumbfuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean that. Well, I kind of did, but I feel like my (make believe) friends Tina and Amy wouldn’t be pleased by my language on a public site – especially one as HUMUNGOUS as my blog. We are women, we’ve got to stick together, right?

But you’re making it sooooooooooo hard to like you. You know your song “Trouble”? Yea. You are in it, deep. You should go “Back to December” and think about what you’ve said and done. Because you done FUCKED. UP.

Look, it’s just some words and an ill-used quote from some super famous, mega-feminist power woman (Hint: NOT Katie Couric) that I’m sure you don’t understand the real meaning behind it. Do you Google? You should. It’s fantastic and teaches you stuff.

My point to you comes in threefold:

1) Don’t go to an awards show and not expect to be made fun of. You’re a celebrity and you attended a venue made for TV and movie stars, so – firstly – just be glad you were there and nominated. Second, if you take something to heart that two comediennes crack at an awards show where they’re making fun of EVERYONE, then get the fuck out.

2) Don’t mess with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

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source: buzzfeed.com

amy poehler

source: buzzfeed.com

Just…don’t. But you already did, so get the fuck outta here. Also, introduce yourself to this fabulous little YouTube series created and hosted by my (fake) friend Amy called Smart Girls At The Party. You should join the party after you think about what you’ve done.

3) Take a fucking joke. You’re obviously super sensitive about what has been said about you and your many boyfriends. So much so, that you actually thought that Tina and Amy were insulting you with a great joke. Yet you have no problem writing songs over real life break ups and mimicking Harry Styles’s beautiful and orgasmic British accent while you perform your snobby song, “We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together”. HYPOCRITE. Get the fuck out.

Tay, look – I never outwardly root against anyone (except Angelina Jolie, naturally) and I’d rather not dislike you. You seem mistaken and young and stupid, especially after these recent remarks. But you have a lot of making up to do. Because now my amazing (not in real life) friends Tina and Amy are never going to forget your words and probably won’t take you out for lunch, ever.

It’s showbiz. If you can’t take a joke about yourself, then you’re done. There’s no way anyone can make it in the entertainment industry if you’re taking yourself sooooooooo seriously as an artist. Fuck that, you sing about high school shit and now you’re starting high school drama.

GET. OVER. YOURSELF.

And apologize to my (future) friends Tina and Amy. Immediately.

Side note: Anyone else want Tina and Amy to make a guest appearance on SNL to make fun of this interview? Kristen Wiig can come back as Taylor, Amy could be Katie Couric, and Tina could be Tina telling her joke again.

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Lorne Michaels, call me.

Happy Galentine’s Day! The 5 Best Femaleships in Hollywood.

It’s the day before Valentine’s Day, which means today the female race is prepping either for depression or excitement. I’m sure no matter what the emotion is, we’ll all read about it on Facebook with accompanying pictures of flowers, candies, or single-lady wine.

So let’s hold off preparing for the onslaught of attention seekers and take some time to celebrate us ladies! I don’t give a shit if you have a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, booty call, nobody, or an animal lover (just don’t EVER tell me), today is about breasties before testies, ovaries before brovaries, uteruses before duderuses.

In light of the best day ever, I’m counting down the five greatest female friendships in Hollywoodland, according to yours truly. That’s me! (Because it’s the only opinion that matters on this blog.)

LET’S KICK IT.

5. Oprah Winfrey & Gayle King

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I mean, duh. They aren’t number one because these two ladies are such a mainstay over the past five billion years that it’s just not fair to the rest of the famous females to give them the top spot. But rest assured, there’s always a reserved space for Oprah and her King.

4. Tiffani Thiessen & Jennie Garth

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Can you believe Kelly Kapowski/Valerie Malone and Kelly Taylor are real life BFFs?? This is a match made in ’90s heaven! The Kellys may have been mortal enemies on 90210, but they’ve been gal pals since Kelly 1 started on set with Kelly 2. They just make me feel so old and wonderful, my childhood is just squealing with glee inside!

3. Nicole Kidman & Naomi Watts

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THESE TWO. They’re like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, but only in height. N-squared met and best-friended each other before becoming two of the most talented and refined actresses in the fucking world. My GAWD – can you imagine being a gigantic acting heavyweight with your BFF? I bet they play Barbies together using their award statues they’ve racked up between them.

2. Jennifer Aniston & Courtney Cox

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This best friendship is literally a dream come true. The fact that Rachel Green and Monica Geller are real life BFFs simply makes life better and unicorns exist. They both went through very public divorces/breakups and are still individually hugely successful. They’re just like, Ohh heyyyy, we’re hangin’ out in Cabo being massively talented old co-stars together and still humungous celebrities of television and movies. NO BIG DEAL. And you know what they say: friends who vacation together, stay together. Unless you’re Taylor Swift.

1. Amy Poehler & Tina Fey

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LET’S BE A TRIPOD GODDAMMIT. Was it really much of a surprise I’d have them at the top spot? Knope. ‘Nuff said.

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Imagine, For A Second, That You’re On The Receiving End Of This Text.

That’s Leo DiCaprio at the Golden Globes after-party. On his phone. Doing something.

For a fleeting second, I checked my phone. That was depressing, and not my finest moment.

Regardless, we all know he’s talking to his BFF/soulmate/lifelonglove Kate Winslet and rightfully bitching about his loss in the Best Supporting Actor category. Though he did get beat out by his co-star, the wonderful and deserving Christoph Waltz.

I’m sure Kate is giving him brilliant British words of wisdom that include such things as “piss,” “codswallop,” and “right fit about it.” These aren’t stereotypes. I read Harry Potter, ya know.

It’s alright, Leo. If you ever need to talk or anything, just PM this blog and I will make out with your face. Amiright ladies?

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

Say hi to Kate for me.

Also, how awesome were the Golden Globes last night? My two favorite moments from my two make-believe best friends who hosted the show can be summed up with these two gifs.

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

The 16 Best Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Moments From The Golden Globes

I think Tina reads my blog.

She doesn’t, but if she did – I WOULD DIE.

Posting Inside Jokes On Facebook: Who do I have to punch to make it stop?

I think I have the good folks at Apple to blame for the majority of inside jokes posted daily on Facebook. Whoever developed the idea of taking a screenshot of a private messaging conversation is a total dick and should be kicked swiftly in the esophagus.

LADIES. What is your deal? It’s always the girls who feel the need to post this shit. What exactly is the point of sharing an inside joke between friends from a private phone to a larger network of people? People you probably never think about except when 1) they’re talking about their dog or boyfriend or baby on your Facebook newsfeed, or 2) you feel incredibly happy and you want a bunch of old high school friends to validate your happiness. You know what I’m talking about, crap like this:

 

And the caption of this attention whoring usually goes something like, “OMG we’re so funny and in love and BFFs and no one else gets it! HA HA HAhaHAhAHA!!1!”

Dear CHRIST. Tina Fey, you feelin’ me on this?

Newsflash, insecure folks of Facebook! You don’t have to post conversations you’re having somewhere else in private to the Facebook world to prove that you have a decent, if totally desperate, social life. Wow – you have a friend?! And look! There’s a heart by the name so he must be super special and love her and now I’m jealous and wish I was her. That’s what you’re trying to do, right? Show everyone that you have it more awesome? Dats coo.

Well I’d like to turn the tables and attention whore through my blog so I can tell you to shut the fuck up. No one cares. Those three “likes” you got are full of pity. You can bet your look-at-us ass that if there was an “attention whoring” button on Facebook, you’d have gotten a record breaking number of clicks.

So the next time you have an embarrassingly ridiculous text conversation with your boyfriend, girlfriend, baby, or dog, just be content and happy with it being between you two. Private. No one fucking cares.

please stop

 

The Golden Globes Are Already So Good This Year; Beyonce Is The Superbowl Halftime Show; and The Best Gangnam Mash Up Ever.

We have three topics to get through today, so let’s kick this bitch off right quick.

 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Are Hosting The 70th Annual Golden Globes

Oh my God. OMG. OHMIGOD. Words cannot express how excited I am about this, so I’m just going to piss my pants and giggle like a stupid little schoolgirl with a bladder control problem.

HA! I totally have words – I have a blog, for fuck’s sake. How awesome is the best friendship of Tina and Amy? First off, according to the literary masterpiece of Bossypants, these two gal pals have known each other since their Chicago theater days. Before fame and fortune. Before SNL. They’re practically college best friends who’ve supported one another and worked together for decades. They got famous and hosted Weekend Update together. How great would it be to host Weekend Update with your BEST FRIEND? Oh wait, probably not as cool as starring in the hit movie Baby Mama with your BEST FRIEND. And now they get to host the motherfuckin’ Golden Globes together – AS BEST FRIENDS.

Amy, Tina – if you can hear me. Recruit me as your best friend. If you just give me a chance, I promise you’ll want to take vacations with me.

 

Beyonce Is Performing At The Superbowl

The internet once again wins at leaking very important information. Apparently, Beyonce will be our halftime entertainment at the Superbowl XLVII, but official word isn’t coming out until tomorrow. Or so the internet says.

I’m totally okay with Beyonce being the halftime entertainment, she’s a kickass live performer from what I’ve gotten out of watching TV and hearing my rich friends gloat about their concert experiences. I expect a lot of hair and giant fans blowing Bey’s hair. But she needs to stick to her upbeat songs, NO R&B BULLSHIT. This is fuckin’ football and people will be drinking beer – not wine, not Courvoisier. I also have a request for Bey:  Please bring out Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams for some Destiny’s Child mind-blowing, ’90s/’00s awesomeness. Performing “Survivor” with your best gal pals will empower my ovaries to punch everyone in the face. It’ll be a good time.

Also, Bey – I know you’re friends with Kanye but if you bring him with you, we’re all gonna be like:

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Ghostbusters, Meet The Crazy Asian Influence of Gangnam Style

Jammin’ this all day.