All My Single Ladies, Thank Me Later

Tomorrow is the dreaded Valentine’s Day, or what I like to call Single Awareness Day. As a married individual, let me say this day has not gotten better than when I was solo. Sure, I have a companion, and I’m very grateful for him – but I mean that in the I-want-to-love-you-forever sense, not in the thank-god-I’m-not-alone-on-this-day kind.

That being said, now I also have pressure, and it’s not even from my husband. Thanks, Society, for being a judgmental asshole. No, we don’t have dinner plans – are we supposed to? I guess I should get a card, and maybe shave my legs. I think he’d prefer the latter. But the knees…ugh.

In honor of all my single lady friends tomorrow, who I think are more than worthy companions for any extremely awesome person lucky enough to know them, here’s my gift to you.

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You’ll never go back.

Happy Single Awareness Day, Everyone.

It’s fucking Valentine’s Day.

game of thrones

Let me start off by saying I’m happily taken and have been so for three and half years, so this day is pretty Switzerland to me. I’m fairly neutral. Could take it or leave it in terms of flowers and cards and dinners and such. Chocolates, however, GIVE THEM TO MEEEE. I’m not going to say no to chocolates. Mike – CHOCOLATES.

But even having a good man by my side, there’s always so much anxiety around the whole Valentine’s Day thing. When growing up, V-Day is this really sweet, group show of love, where everyone brought Valentines to school in bulk and handed them out to their whole class. So by the end of the day you had racked up around 40 or so little pieces of forced love with shitty handwriting and your name spelled wrong. It was aahhhhhhhmazing.

Then you hit puberty and you’re like FUCK. It would mean more if this guy/girl gave me a Valentine, and if so then WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?1

Then you get your first boyfriend and you’re like YES. This is fucking awesome! I’m guaranteed flowers, a card, and chocolates!

And then you get broken up with and you’re like FUCK THIS SHIT. This is never what St. Valentine meant, Hallmark is such a dickface, and I’m gonna die alone.

But then you feel like you’ve conquered your independent single-hood, you’ve developed a real kinship with Beyonce’s music, and you’re more like I DON’T NEED A MAN, JUST A BOTTLE OF WINE. And suddenly your girlfriends are far more important to you than ever on V-Day so you start celebrating ovaries over brovaries while chugging said bottle of wine and watching “The Notebook”, only to later cry about how no one will ever – EVER – amount to the man that Ryan Gosling is. And you’re right.

Currently, you’re either in this boat or you’re in a relationship. And if you’re in the latter, you’re one of two people: 1) You expect a damn good Valentine’s Day and you’re going to make sure everyone on your social media networks know about it, good or bad, or 2) It’s a fun day to wear red and show a little extra love but you could really give two shits.

Now that the V-Day bases have been covered, most people are probably scrambling to find the perfect e-card to send to that someone (not so) special. Well look no further because I’ve got a fucking TREAT.

Here are 9 Valentine’s Day cards to send to the love(s) of your life. (You’re welcome, procrastinators.)

Batman

Best i can do

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Dwight

homeland nic cage ron swanson

And lastly, you didn’t think I could go through V-Day without him, right? Because Ryan Gosling.

ryan gosling

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day 2013 Sounds Like A Good Day To Die Hard.

Perhaps not for the same reasons as others, especially those who will be listening to a mix of Adele, Beyonce and Alanis Morissette throughout the day, but for those of us who KICK ASS, read on.

DIE HARD FIVE.

This movie will not suck – you know why? Because it’s John fuckin McClane. Look, I don’t care how old Bruce Willis is getting, because when he takes on the persona of John McClane, it’s fucking awesome. Always. Forever. And if Brucey decides to do 20 more Die Hard films, I will be there. Opening day.¬†Front row. Yippee-ki-yayin’ all fuckin day long.

So without further adue, if you haven’t seen this teaser trailer for A Good Day To Die Hard (aka, Die Hard 5), you need to stop what you’re doing immediately and get pumped up. ‘SPLOSIONS! JOHN MCCLANE! THE ODE TO JOY! PUNCHING FACES! MORE ‘SPLOSIONS!!! I just want to play with fire right now and jump out my office window landing on a passing trolley bus because how badass would that be??! But since I’m not a dumbass piece of shit, I’ll leave that to John fuckin McClane and the good people in Hollywood to make those stunts come to life. Or on screen. Whatever.

Watch this.