“Life” Just Got So Much Better.

And nothing says “life” like premium cotton male string bikinis.

FIVE OF THEM.

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*Wax not included, but highly recommended.

I’m pretty sure there are instructions on the back for how to properly tuck your balls – if they haven’t already been scared upward and turned into an ovary, that is.

Oh, the things you find at Walmart…

Who’s Got The Cheez-It Snack Crackers?

As I was eating my amazing homemade burrito at lunch today, of which I made last night from all the groceries we picked up yesterday, shit dawned on me.

I realize more and more as I get older, I could really kick ass at Supermarket Sweep.

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I can also rock the shit out of a crew neck sweatshirt and a polo. I can’t be in yellow though, I’d totally wash out on television.

In an age where fast food and grocery delivery has sucked all the fun out of pushing a shopping cart, isn’t it insane that grocery shopping used to be cool and exciting? I loved Supermarket Sweep. Even watching The Price Is Right, one had to have a good knowledge of supermarket trends and pricing.

In fact, when I was a PYT, I used to pretend I was a grocery checker. Yup. I would use a piece of lined paper and draw a big red square on it as my scanner. Then I’d take all the canned goods I could find in the house, along with chips, cereal boxes, water bottles, and sodas, and I’d set them up on our dining room table. Then I’d ring ’em up and make that amaaaaaazing BEEP sound. Fuckin’ magic, you guys. I’d stack it all up nice in some bags, hand it to my mom, and then do it all over again. It’s a pity we didn’t own a conveyor belt.

One summer in college, I had a part time job at The Body Shop and got to really use a scanner. ZOMGGGGGG.

Even today, you know those price check scanners in Target, Walmart, and anywhere else? I go BEEP that stuff. I know it’s $9.99, but I get high off that ish. And don’t even get me started on the joys of Self Checkout. SWEET LASERS OF GOD.

The message behind this ridiculous yet touching backstory? I can’t wait for history to repeat itself.

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