If Real Life Were A Disney Movie.

I’d imagine my refrigerator would look something like this.


And they’d help me make breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday while singing joyful tunes and turning the sink into a majestic fountain – but only for the musical number. The salsa jar would obviously be Salma Hayek-inspired and the disturbingly large container of Philadelphia cream cheese would definitely be voiced by Will Smith and have a rap solo, ala Fresh Prince. All the eggs would stick together and the milk would always be nervous and surprised while the Sierra Mist bottle will be overly emotional. The Newman’s tomato sauce would say stuff like, “Ciao bella!” and have a ginormous crush on Salsa Salma.

But this is no Beauty and the Beast – they are not cursed. And they never run out of their condiment either, because this is my Disney fantasy and you can just shut the fuck up with your realism, goddammit.

The Real Reason Why The Mayans Didn’t Finish Their Calendar.

Fuck civilization.¬†When you’re offered booze, you take the booze.

My guess is the Mayans missed the inclusion of leap years and daylight savings when someone distracted them with the discovery of margaritas and beer kegs.

On that note, how ridiculous is this end of the world talk? We might as well have this discussion at the end of each calendar year, because that’s literally all the Mayan hoopla is about.

But if that doesn’t ease your impending doom mentality, think of it this way: there’s no way John Cusack (2012) would be the one to save the world. He’s far too panicky, so this whole conversation is moot. Talk to me on any Fourth of July and I’ll tell you, “Shit, aliens. But we’re good because Will Smith exists.”

Fortunately for us, Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal aren’t in any immediate danger right now, because Friday just so happens to be…DUN DUN DUNNNN!